LONDON – England – Read the Daily Squib’s exclusive guide on luxury hotels to stay in during the big depression and economic upheaval.
You may be on the brink of financial collapse, your household finances in ruins and your budget barely able to afford to put food on the table, but why not book a luxury hotel trip for the whole family for posterities sake so you can sink even deeper into the mire?
The Daily Squib Luxury Hotel Guide
1) That payday loan at 13,600% APR really paid off and you and the missus are on the way to a luxury hotel for the night. The edifice of the Turlows hotel will be familiar to anyone who’s murdered their grandma for her inheritance to pay for a fleeting luxury lifestyle for a few days. This amazing hotel has recently had an £18million refurbishment. The hotel’s 300 5 star rooms have been completely redesigned to look really really expensive, as have the hotel’s food and beverage offerings and common areas. At £7,500 per night for the cheapest room please enjoy your stay and don’t forget to check out at the top fifty fourth floor restaurant jumping through the glass when you receive your fucking bill.
2) Forget your kids’ university fund, why not piss it all away with a two night stay at this amazing joint? Chingku has unveiled its second property in China this month, with the opening of Chingku Yunnan Resort & Spa. Rooms cost a whopping $23,000 per night and you get a bowl of fucking soup with that too — get used to it because you’ll be eating that for the rest of your sorry life after spending all your money in this expensive toxic plastic Chinese shit hole. Situated about an hour from LingFong International Airport in China’s Yunnan factory district (explosions optional), the property contains 280 guest rooms and 43 villas spread over a 600 hectare site with 50 different plastic toxic garden habitats.
3) You’ve got no money and the world is in a terrible economic depression. Fuck it! Contemporary art collectors Hermy DiGonzo and Fanny Tucker have opened this luxury boutique hotel with smarmy overpriced art splatterings on the fucking walls. By adding the art on the walls, the price just went up by 1850% so enjoy the unaffordable ambience of your fucking stay. The quirky rooms provide a place to enjoy art and cultural performances while your home is repossessed by the bank at home.
4) Celebrated chef Nobber Shamagato has expanded his interests in the hospitality (cleaning out) industry with the opening of the Nobber Hotel at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. Enjoy your unaffordable stay and why not gamble away the little you may have left in the casino downstairs. The hotel includes the world’s largest Nobber restaurant, which no doubt will be popular with guests drawn to his name but not his extortionate fucking prices. Don’t forget, the check-out time is 3am in the morning when they turf you out of bed and throw you in the street for not being able to pay the full cost of the bill.
5) Bland and boring desert shit hole Dubai can claim another spot in the record books – with the opening of the Islamic Highest High Highest of All Tower this month it is now home to the world’s tallest hotel. Coming in at 12,764ft, the remarkably ugly and vulgar hotel includes five hundred and ninety restaurants all selling the same shit food. The rooms will set you back thirty years of your life as you are imprisoned in one of the famous Dubai jails for not paying your bill debt after checking-out of the luxury hotel, or you can simply jump to your death from the top floor.