Speaking from his dacha in Chipping Norton, Comrade Cameron instructed Commissar May to commence a program of mass surveillance on the people of Britain.
“I have instructed the Commissar for Home Security to begin a program of controlled mass surveillance on all communications available to the proles. This will include all communiques via email, telephone, internet traffic, carrier pigeon or letter writing. All citizens of our great United Soviet EU enclave must adhere to these rules at all times or you will be liquidated. Remember that all your data can also be accessed by council snoopers as well as any government agency that wishes to do so. We will also put all your data forward to the highest bidder, and this will be a nice little money earner for the government.”
Commissar for Home Security, Theresa May said yesterday: “I have been instructed by our supreme leader, Comrade Cameron, to increase surveillance levels on all potential terrorists, i.e. you the population. Everyone is a suspect in Thoughtcrime, and you will be deemed guilty before proven innocent. All you toe rags need shutting up innit. Here, I want you all to enjoy spouting off all your thoughts on the internet because from now on it’s all going to be recorded and filed forever, and used against you whenever we need to, you stupid mugs.”