From Land’s End to John O’Groats, from Grimsby to Grimtowne, Britain’s streets were today awash with people dancing and celebrating after Gordon Brown announced the end of the biggest recession since the last Labour government was in power.
“I’ve lost my home, my wife and kids, my job, everything I owned and even my dog. But, when I heard the announcement that Britain’s GDP rose by 0.00001% today and that we’re out of the recession, I fuckin’ jumped up in joy and said by gawd I’m going to vote for Labour again. What a genius Gordon and his boys are, innit,” George Numpty, 45, a resident of the Northern Yorkshire town of Grimness, told the BBC.
Even a homeless man living under Waterloo bridge threw up his arms and was all praise for Gordon Brown: “Gordo’s done it again, last year I had a successful business, a house and a future. Today, I’ve got a cardboard box and a rolled up Mirror newspaper. I’m so glad I voted for Labour, they’re financial geniuses they are. With the recession over, I think I might upgrade to a plyboard or MDF box.”
Unelected Prime Minister, Gordon Brown even made an appearance at a home for destitute pensioners, where they are processed before put in coffins and buried. He was cheered as he walked into the home to witness how the pensioners are disposed of. Waving resolutely, he even managed a smile before being ushered into the Nil by Mouth processing centre.