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The Massive Movie Graveyard

PORTSMOUTH - England - When I graduated with a PhD in Film theory, my hilarious friends started calling me Dr. DVD. Well, then, consider me a doctor of autopsies because I believe even the greatest motion picture might have a defect that means it should be chopped up, slagged off, and slopped into an improvised coffin with a tombstone engraved “I see dead people”.

Basic Instinct (1992)

A mysterious killer is on the loose who murders men during the act of love. But is it the seemingly friendly psychologist or the extraordinarily intimidating chain-smoking pornographic writer with a dead husband and a penchant for flashing her gash? Detective Michael Douglas has sex with both of them to investigate.

Beowolf (2007)

A soldier who wrestles naked with an ogre and rips the heart out of a fire-breathing dragon is haunted by the knowledge that he is not a true hero because he once knocked one off into Angelina Jolie.
Nonsensical parable.

Black Hawk Down (2001)

US servicemen heroically destroy half of Somalia whilst pretending to hand out their lunch.
Weepie for dickheads.

Bridget Jones’ Diary (2001)

Adaptation of the popular novel that shows that we can all win the heart of our Mr Darcy if we just smoke too much, drink too much, fall over a lot, have a gay best friend, and our dad’s Jim Broadbent.
Comedy for alcoholics.

Dracula (1992)

A small gang set out to murder a man who offers them the option to live a life in which they repeatedly bone anyone they want in a state of eternal youth and health.
Originally entitled: How To Be Nice and Boring (1874) by Mrs. Mary Prigstock.

ET

Advanced alien life form arrives on Earth, drinks Budweiser and understandably fucks straight back to where he came from.
French-language film based on the original English motion picture, “And”.

Ferris Bueller’s Day off (1986)

Heterosexual teenager Ferris Bueller spends his entire day off helping his whiney little friend to overcome deep-rooted psychological issues instead of repeatedly nailing his extraordinarily attractive girlfriend.
Pure Unadulterated Fiction.

Hot Shots! (1991)

Slapstick fun in sanctions-era Iraq.

Jaws IV: The Revenge (1987)

A shark consumed by hatred for the family which killed its ancestors decides to exact a bloody revenge upon them. Posing in disguise as a mild-manned travel writer it becomes a tenant at the family’s home but when it’s time to pay the rent the shark refuses, using a series of legal loopholes to bring the family to the point of oblivion.
Inane thriller.

Ghostbusters (1984)

Film that appears to legitimate the deployment of experimental nuclear weaponry against phantom enemies.
Children’s Horror/Republican Propaganda.

G.I Jane (1997)

The American military learns that by embracing people of all genders it is better able to kill Libyans.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001)

An 11-year old boy gets into a private school without help from his parents. The boy strikes up a platonic relationship with the over-friendly groundsman and a ginger kid makes two friends. Implausible fantasy. Warning: Contains English child actors.

Lethal Weapon II (1987)

The Los Angeles Police Department assigns a racially mixed partnership to arrest white supremacists whilst their colleagues off screen continue to club black people to death willy nilly.

Lost in Translation (2003)

Deeply touching bittersweet love story in which Bill Murray plays a past-it film actor who meets the charming Scarlett Johannson. The unlikely pair seem to let the opportunity slip, as Bill leaves the younger woman to find herself without pressure from him. However, in a final romantic twist just before leaving Tokyo, Bill runs back and whispers into Scarlett’s ear something that appears to be inaudible but which if you lip-read is: “Next time we meet I’m gonna split all three of your holes you scrummy old hag”.

The Matrix (1999)

Computer manufacturers make an entire new virtual reality for us to live in which does not constantly pause to download unwanted updates or require someone to take the day off work just to stay in for BT to come and sort the fucker out.
Implausible fantasy.

Mission: Impossible (1996)

Tom Cruise successfully completes a mission.
Action Adventure.

Mission: Impossible II (2000)

Tom Cruise starts to wonder if these missions are really so impossible, as he manages to complete two of them in a row.
Action Adventure.

Mission: Impossible III (2006)

Tom Cruise gets pedantic about exactly how impossible these missions really are, in the light of the fact that he repeatedly and successfully completes them in a manner that is commonplace in this genre.
Action Adventure.

The Motorcycle Diaries (2004)

Wealthy student Che Guevara takes a Gap year to go travelling across South America with his hilarious student mate. Although they have literally no money, they have tons of adventures, really political thoughts, and leave the tourist trail to meet real locals who made the whole experience really authentic.
The sequel sees Che and his mate, like, literally doing, like, this awesome bong made out of an upturned bin in Halls.

Pretty Woman (1990)

A ruthless old billionaire is attracted to an impoverished young street girl. Although hesitant at first, the girl’s concerns about the relationship rapidly dissipate when the billionaire takes her shopping.
Classic Romance.

Rambo II (1985)

Having killed millions of people in a war with a Very Poor Country, a Very Big Country sends a Very Strong Man to kill some more in an attempt to save some fictional prisoners.
Swashbuckling action.

Rambo III (1987)

In the interests of world peace, America sends a Very Big Man to support and train terrorists in 1980s Afghanistan.
Swashbuckling geopolitical disaster.

Short Circuit (1986)

The adventures of Robocop’s disabled older brother.

True Lies (1994)

An estranged couple rekindles their moribund love life by annihilating Muslims with bazookas. Feel-good racial bloodbath for all the family (except Muslim families who can go fuck themselves)

U-571 (2000)

America breaks the enigma code, thereby ensuring the victory of the Free World against the Axis powers and the bullshitting British.

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