5 Tips to Avoid the Horrendous Holiday Season Travel Chaos

LONDON - England - There are some relatively easy ways to avoid the insane airport travel chaos during the school holidays.

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Spending eight hours waiting for your flight amongst thousands of angry, rowdy and smelly travellers? The check-in queue extends for miles, with fights breaking out and young children screaming constantly. Once you are finally on the plane, the captain comes on the tannoy and says there will be another eight-hour wait because a screw fell off the hydraulic capacitor. The insanity of modern-day travel chaos makes you wish you had never ventured out your door this morning. There are five-hour waits for your hired car. No one has any information as you are told your flight has now been cancelled after waiting for another nine hours in hope…etc…

You can avoid the utter nightmare of travel chaos and aggravation with only a few tips that will ensure you and your family have an amazing care free holiday.

1. Hire or own a private jet. This way, you will never have to travel with the unclean masses ever again. To do this, you will need to at least have a minimum of a few million or a billion in your bank account and be making millions/billions of pounds per annum. You will be able to fly to the most exclusive holiday spots in the world and enjoy first class service all the way. You will never be stuck in an airport or even have to speak to another bothered holidaymaker ever again.

2. Do not go on holiday abroad and save not only your money but your sanity as well as your dignity. Being stuck in a rain-soaked Welsh field in a tent listening to the torrential rain coming down whilst chomping down on some awful ready-made meal is far more preferable to any extended airport mayhem.

3. Do not go on holiday at all. This is possibly the best advice to give anyone who is thinking of travelling at the same time as all the other rats who want to go on holiday. Why would you do this to yourself in the first place, make your children suffer the indignity of waiting for days on end in some overcrowded soulless airport and treated like absolute shit by the overworked understaffed airport staff? Do not go on holiday.

4. Yes, go on holiday, but wait for the time when everyone is back at work and school. This way you will obviously avoid the needless exercise of being part of the dirty masses. Just pull a massive sicky at work, say you have Covid and Monkeypox at the same time or something like that.

5. Earn shitloads of money, so much so that you will never have to work again and basically move to a beach somewhere in the world on permanent holiday. If you can manage this feat before the age of 30 at least you can enjoy some healthy days of fun.

6. (BONUS) Become unemployed. No hard work is involved with this one, and you don’t have to ever work for the rest of your life. If that is not a holiday, what is?