The American radio ‘personality’, Michael Savage was secretly smuggled into Britain last night after five harrowing days on the run from British Stasi agents and Politburo officials.
The Daily Squib’s covert reporter recalls the arduous journey that took place which could have resulted in all who were involved being incarcerated for the next 42 years in an eco-gulag somewhere in Sector 101 (Northern Soviet Britain):
“We brought Mr Savage into Britain from the coast. We used a yacht in which he was hidden in a fridge unit for the three week journey from Boston. We then transported Mr Savage into a vehicle once we got onto shore. These were the most crucial and tense times for us because a Stasi patrol came past and we had to show our papers. The commandant then checked our Wartburg 353, he even checked the bloody ashtray. What he didn’t know of course was that we had hidden Mr Savage in a specially designed area behind the back seat of the car.
“We had to now drive deep into the belly of the beast – to London – where there are more Stasi officers, cameras, listening devices and double agents than at any time in East German or Soviet Russian history. You can’t swing a cat in London without it hitting a surveillance camera.
“Do you know how many check points there are from the coast of Sector 12 (Devon) to Sector 01 (London)? Too many to count. We had to have special permission to move out of the sector anyway, which I had secured after three months of dealing with bureaucratic morons in the Department of Sector Travel.
“At one of the checkpoints just outside the M25 Mr Savage sneezed from behind the seat as the Stasi official was checking our vehicle. That’s when we thought the game was really up, but luckily Bob, who was travelling with us, sneezed as well and the official let us go. There were beads of sweat practically falling off our faces. Everywhere we looked we saw the menacing posters of Comrade Brown and Comrade Jacqui Smith looking at us. This added extra tension to our already anxious journey.
“Well, dear friends we did finally get to the safe house and Mr Savage was transported into the house once in the garage. Because there are listening devices in every home in Britain, we had to communicate by writing everything down or through the use of sign language. Mr Savage is now safe in the basement, and has already conducted a covert communication which will be broadcast tomorrow at 9 pm GMT.
Mike Savage has asked for us to relay some very important messages to his family in America:
“Hello folks, I am in Limey land. They got great food here. Yesterday they fed me some boiled cabbage, a boiled potato and a piece of gristle from I don’t know what f*cking animal. They got great dentists here too, like they use pliers to take the teeth out or they just punch you in the f*cking mouth. Dental hygiene means like gargling your mouth out with a quart of whisky if you can get the rations. Otherwise it’s kind of good here. Tomorrow they’re transporting me to another safe house somewhere in a place called Dagenham. I heard it smells like sh*t there so I’ll know when I’m there cuz I’ll be in the back of the car, but then again the whole goddamn place smells of sh*t. Hey Jacqui Smith, I’m right here. You can’t catch me you jack booted commie slut.”
The American shock jock is currently in another safe house because a member of our team was found to be a double agent for the politburo. We found the mole and flushed the traitor down the sewer where they belong. Here’s to free speech.