Only Four Drivers Survive Bahrain Grand Prix 2012

BAHRAIN – Kingdom of Bahrain – Only four drivers survived the Bahrain leg of the grand prix today when the Bahrain government chose to purge the area from protestors and anything else that moved.

The four surviving drivers, Jenson Button, Jarno Trulli, Rubens Barrichello and Mark Webber – all limped across the finish line and took the chequered flag amongst the haze of burning tires, dead bodies and tear gas.

“I’m very happy to be alive. I was just coming through the first chicane when Schumacher took a tank shell head on splattering him all over the track like a watermelon. Then Barichello caught some shrapnel but I think he got through the burning wreckage. As for the safety car, well, it’s safe to say that it didn’t survive the first lap,” Jensen Button told Sky news.

The Pits were really the pits, as protesters hurled molotov cocktails at the racing crews, the Sauber-Ferrari team were all burned alive as Sergio Perez came in for his stop. He tried in vain to escape the flames but his fuel tank exploded showering the cheering crowds with body parts.

“You try to change the tires in these conditions,” Neil Santino, head technician for the HRT-Cosworth told the BBC from his hospital bed.

In the 13th minute of the race Trulli took some machine-gun fire in his diffuser and he lifted off the circuit at 210 mph landing head down in the gravel pit, luckily the stewards pulled him out before the Bahraini police squads descended on the area.

Hopes of a Ferrari win were wrecked on lap 17 when Felipe Massa was forced to stop after the whole front of his car was blown off by RPG fire resulting in Massa sadly losing both of his legs. He was airlifted to a hospital within an hour.

Despite that, it failed to detract from what team principal Stefano Domenicali described as “a truly awful and fucked up day”.

Formula One racing has now got the task of finding new drivers to replace the ones that were sadly lost during the Bahrain Grand Prix.

  • Tony

    @Simon Hull

    You are a cunt ..

  • alfie

    This is a satire site. Nothing on here is real except you being a stupid c@nt for taking it seriously.

  • Simon Hull

    Biggest pile of rubbish i've ever read. This is sick and inaccurate.