LONDON – England – The Bank of England is set to begin "printing money" in a bid to boost the failing economy after its rate-setting committee unanimously agreed that there was no other option under the current circumstances.
“We have already earmarked thousands of acres of rainforest in Brazil which will be needed to be processed to make more money for the Bank of England. After the last estimate we may be talking about 3000 square miles of forest because the amount of money needed to plug the black hole in Britain’s finances is so f*cking huge,” Sir Ranulph Fludgecow, head of the the nine-strong Monetary Policy Committee (MPC) told Mervyn King, the Bank’s Governor.
According to Brazilian officials there may be a slight delay in the purchase of the forest area in Brazil’s central Amazonian basin, however efforts are being made to clear the area of indigenous Indians who populate the forest.
Friends of the Earth and Save the Amazon have been outraged at the news of the deforestation plans and have put in an appeal to parliament which will probably be quashed immediately.
Under quantitative easing, the Bank will simply print more money to boost the money supply.
“Under Gordon Brown’s ‘care’ the economy has gone from bad to worse so this is a last-ditch attempt to somehow dig us out of this unholy mess. When he was Chancellor, Gordon decided to turn a blind eye to what was going on with the banks. He also wasted trillions of pounds on useless projects when he finally shoehorned his way into power. His policies have been an utter disaster to the UK’s economy and he has left us no option but to just print more sterling which will devalue the pound even further. Say goodbye to your pensions, your savings and any money you ever had because soon you will be going around with a suitcase full of money to buy a cup of f*cking coffee,” Sir Ranulph added.