“Comrades, they are coming for me on Monday! This is it!”

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION - Comrade Starmer has revealed in a communique that a dastardly coup is taking place to remove him from the Big State.

I write to you from my bunker. I will be ousted as your comrade-in-chief tomorrow because of a far-left coup. The dastardly Marxist Commissar Andy Burnham who has stabbed me in the back is sadly even more communistic than I am, and that is saying something. This is the problem with communism my dear comrades, just as you think you are the Marxist with the most Marxism, another Marxist cunt pops out of the commie swamp with even more leftist ideals than you.

During my tenure I cut down free speech and all privacy; I taxed and killed off many capitalist swine businesses; and I used dirty tricks to silence millions of people and even banned the flying of the English flag from the ordinary people who we labelled as vile nationalistic far-right Nazi scum for simply being proud of being English. I flooded the country with gangs of young men from third-world countries who were put up in 5-star hotels and pampered as some of them raped our children and women. Thanks to the evil bitch I appointed, Rachel Reeves, who even took away vulnerable pensioners’ winter heating payments. Yes, pensioners, I detest you scum, and you were our piggy bank. I lied and misled parliament about an imaginary budget black hole that never existed. I killed the economy and forced millions of youngsters to be unemployed due to forced NI increases on businesses and an increase of the minimum wage. I lied and misled the Duma and Politburo about appointing the Prince of Darkness as US ambassador. I left the nation defenceless and with a three trillion debt. There’s no money left now.

The Labour Party, however, deemed my progress in transitioning from hard socialism to full communism as way too slow, and this is why tomorrow, Andy Burnham and his Bolshevik communists will find my bunker, rip out the doors and liquidate me. But, as I am a good communist, I am resigned to my fate in the name of the rise of global communism and the greater good.

I will now pass the baton of communism onto those who have more vigour and Marxist ideological purpose, to those who will eradicate the scourge of capitalism, private property and private wealth, bringing it all into the state.

From one cunt to another cunt, we will all be commie cunts now.