People’s Republic of Soviet Britain Urgent Bulletin Regarding Comrade Starmer

Comrades, today Comrade Starmer was liquidated and processed into Net Zero Juice. He had been hiding in his bunker for over 4 weeks. Stasi and Bolshevik forces located the bunker and managed to breach the Chinese-made steel doors in less than two minutes.

Comrade Starmer was found taking a banya in an illegal bikini. He was also found with many capitalist freebies he acquired, including tailor-made Italian suits, designer glasses, designer watches and multiple free first-class air tickets to over 1,000 international destinations, including 5-star hotel stays.

Commissar Burnham will eradicate all wealth in the PRSB when he is crowned as the Supreme Comrade in July.

Comrades, the time for full communism is here, and the eradication of all private property. The transition from socialism to full communism will not be easy but under the wing of our Northern Marxist brother, Andy Burnham, the Great Leap Downward will be made into a reality. Never forget the words of Vladimir Lenin, who said, “The goal of socialism is communism.”

PRSB BULLETIN ANNOUNCEMENT

JANICE TITSEROUT, 43, OF GEORGE OSBORNE STREET, WOOD GREEN, LONDON HAS BEEN AWARDED EXTRA SALT RATIONS OF 0.00412 GRAMS AND TWO BOXES OF ROTTEN TURNIPS. SHE REPORTED HER MOTHER, FATHER, SIX CHILDREN, HER AUNTS AND UNCLES AND HER 120-YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER FOR TRYING TO TRAVEL TO DOVER WITHOUT THE NECESSARY PAPERS OR PERMITS. STASI INVESTIGATORS ALSO FOUND LUGGAGE WITH SILVERWARE INSIDE AND BANNED TOKENS OF PRIVATE WEALTH LIKE BUNDLES OF CASH TO THE AMOUNT OF 56 SOVIET BRITISH POUNDS. IT IS ASSUMED THEY WERE TRYING TO LEAVE THE PRSB. THEY WERE TAKEN TO AN UNDISCLOSED PROCESSING PLANT AND LIQUIDATED TO BE PROCESSED INTO NET ZERO JUICE.