Comrades, men of the Red Army and Red Navy, commanders and political instructors, working men and working women, collective farmers – men and women, workers in the intellectual professions, brothers and sisters in the rear of our enemy who have temporarily fallen under the yoke of the Conservative capitalist brigands, and our valiant men and women guerillas who are destroying the rear of the Tory interlopers! I am your supreme leader — Comrade Starmer!
I greet you on behalf of the coming Soviet Labour government and our Bolshevik Labour Party and congratulate you on the occasion of the twenty-seventh anniversary of the Great Socialist Revolution by former Comrade Blair.
Comrades, it is in strenuous circumstances that we are today celebrating the twenty-seventh anniversary of the Tony Blair Revolution. The perfidious attack of the Tory brigands and the years of TORY mismanagement which has been forced upon us have placed our country in jeopardy. We have temporarily lost a number of regions, the enemy has appeared at the gates of Scunthorpe and Manchester. The Tory scum reckoned that after the very first blow our Soviet Labour Party would be dispersed, and our commissars would be forced to their knees.
I may be wearing the biggest pair of flip-flops known to man, but I, Comrade Starmer, am the only one who can steer Soviet Britain back into the EU. It will be the 2024 elections at the 325th Central Committee that will ensure we capitulate and bring forth full communism to Britain once and for all and the woke nightmare continues in earnest with full integration with the Soviet EU mother-bloc.
Tomorrow, the position of our country will be far better off than it was fifteen years ago under the enemy. We will introduce a Soviet 5-year-plan to redistribute all wealth from the greedy capitalists to the workers and welfare state. There will be no Public or Private schools left as we take away their tax breaks, we will introduce a Garden-Tax, a Mansion-Tax, and more taxes for the rich than they have ever encountered.
We will build rows upon rows of concrete blocks to house the population rise, as we allow every Tom Dick and Harry to come to Britain, much like Comrade Blair and Sunak did.
Our new Soviet economy will be centred around nationalisation and redistribution of wealth. Under this plan, all major industries and corporations will be nationalised, and the wealth will be redistributed among the working class. This will ensure that the profits of the country are shared equally among its citizens. You will thank me comrades as you chomp into a soggy British Rail sandwich once again.
Our Soviet Net Zero pledge will mean more poverty for every citizen, as I firmly believe that everyone under socialism and communism should live in misery and collective poverty. No, you will not drive your diesel Lada, but instead will take the bus or train in smelly cramped carriages. No, you will not fly abroad, because jet flight will only be permitted for party leaders and members.
Comrades, you will enjoy listening to my awful nasal voice for the next 5–10 years and if you don’t enjoy listening to it — tough titties. I will be your overbearing comrade, droning on and on and on until you make the decision to have a free lobotomy on the NHS.
Comrades, men of the Red Army and Red Navy, commanders and political instructors, men and women guerillas, the whole world is looking towards you as a force capable of destroying the British economy further by borrowing trillions more to add to the trillions of debt Britain already has accrued. I cannot wait to ruin your fucking lives, to take every penny from the rich, and to punish every worker with insane levels of taxation and red tape.
Here is to the next ten years of Soviet Labour…