17.7 C
London
Sunday, October 6, 2024
secret satire society
HomeWorldMobile Phone Text Language Credited For Incredible A-Level Pass Rates

Mobile Phone Text Language Credited For Incredible A-Level Pass Rates

DURHAM - England - The record A-level A grade passes this year prove that exam boards allowing the use of SMS text language in examinations have been directly instrumental in raising the national pass rate to 99.9%.

“A lot of these kids can’t read or write standard basic English, so we were forced to integrate mobile phone text lingo, or SMS shorthand, into the curriculum, which is the only way these people can communicate now. Some of the students are only conversant utilising pictures and diagrams and cannot even use SMS texts,” Deacon Aylesbury, head of Oxford Cambridge and RSA Examinations board was recorded as saying in last week’s edition of the Education Times.

Thousands of Britain’s youth now have the coveted A* grade and are all applying to top universities.

“I can’t read or write, in fact I’ve never actually read a book. I just turned up to the English literature exam with my stolen mobile phone, innit,” Kevin Chesney, 18, who got three A** grades for his A-levels, told the Daily Mail.

Graders for the A-level exams say they also allow candidates to draw pictures to try and describe events that occurred in history or to describe literary classics like Shakespeare and Chaucer.

“We regularly get candidates who can only communicate with stick figure drawings and scribbled smudges. It is quite challenging to find out what these people are trying to communicate, but it certainly can be done. We’re getting some really gifted candidates being marked and we have only had one chap who failed this year because he was too busy looting a supermarket to attend the A-level examination,” Laurence Demister, an adjudicator and A-level marker told the BBC.

  Daily Squib Book

  DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"

2 COMMENTS

  1. I don knO wot U R aL goin on bout. My std of educton iz prfctly acptble & ther iz n nEd 2 denigr8 it.

  2. The level of the dumbing down is extraordinary and quite wonderful as well. To think that these kids think that they're actually clever shows how much the trickery has worked. What wonderful sorcery…..

Comments are closed.

- Advertisment -

NEWS ON THE HOUR

MORE NEWS

THE DAILY SQUIB ANTHOLOGY

The definitive book of Juvenalian satire and uncanny prophesies that somehow came true. This is an anthology encompassing 15 years of Squib satire on the internet compiled and compressed into one tiddly book. Buy the Book Now!