But there are ways of making petrol go further. Here are the Squib’s tips on how to cut the cost of fuel
1. Attach a horse or donkey to your car. If you have the money, you can buy 2 or 3 horses and this will mean you will go even faster. The only drawback is that you will need somewhere to keep the horses, but don’t worry, if you do not have a stables you can always convert your living room into a sleeping area with just a little hay and a trough of water.
2. Ride a bicycle. Riding bicycles should not just be the stuff of politicians on PR offensives. You too can ride a bicycle on London’s roads. Don’t worry about safety, after Gordon Brown’s huge tax rises no one will be on the roads with cars anyway so it will be as safe as houses. Drawbacks? You can’t carry a load of shopping from the local supermarket but don’t worry about that because of the high cost of fuel there will be little food in the shops and the little there is will be out of your price range.
3. Lose weight. Every extra 50kg will increase your petrol consumption by an average of 2 per cent, eating food is very overrated anyway and just think how many more miles you will get out of your car if you are an undernourished carcass resembling an Auschwitz victim.
4. Streamline. Leave the kids and wife at home. Let them walk or even better still — they can push the car.
5. Use someone else’s car. Just don’t let the rozzers or owner catch you.
6. Get a job in some bureaucratic government office and you will not need to drive ever again because of the free taxis and chauffeur driven rides.
7. Go and live in America. The Americans pay about 34 pence per litre whereas the Brits pay £1.18.
8. Go and live in Saudi Arabia, the fuel is even cheaper than the US but you will have to put up with no booze, no dirt and no adultery.
9. Avoid rough surfaces. Massive potholes and huge cracked surfaces can increase your fuel consumption by up to 30 per cent – thanks to Gordon Brown’s stellar funding on our roads, you will have a hard time finding any smooth portions of the road.
10. Drive off without paying. If we’re being robbed at the pumps why not turn the tables a bit. Drawbacks are of course going to jail and receiving a criminal record when you are spotted by the millions of CCTV cameras dotting the UK’s streets and petrol stations.
