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Obama Told to Fatten Up On Vacation

OAHU - Hawaii - Barack Obama has been told by senior Democratic aides to bulk up or lose the presidency.

Obama is
perceived as too intelligent and too remote by American voters. He is
also perceived as too skinny and his campaign leaders have now ordered
him to bulk up around the waist.

Obama’s slim physique is a liability in a nation of
overweight, dumb, lazy couch-potato voters and unless he adapts to the American majority he will lose the presidential campaign.

“We
got him holed up in a hotel eating good ol’ American food. He’s eating bucketloads
of KFC, Cheetos, Doritos, McDonalds and corn dogs. We have also banned him
from doing any form of exercise or eating healthy foods. He has to
appeal to the average Joe American or he will lose the presidency,” 

Peter Johnson one of Obama’s ca
mpaign advisers told Fox News.

Last
week The Wall Street Journal stated emphatically that Obama was
putting off voters because he was too thin and that he needed to appeal
to voters who tend to like candidates with flaws that they
can identify with. Several analysts noted that widely circulated
pictures of
a red-faced Bill Clinton staggering into McDonald’s after a short jog
from his mistresses house did
the former president no harm at all; millions of Americans knew just
how he
felt.

Obama’s
enthusiasm for exercise first raised eyebrows last month, when he
stopped three times in one day for workouts at Chicago gyms, prompting
an Fox News reporter to wonder: “Sometimes it’s hard to tell if Barack
Obama is running for president or Mr Universe.”

It has also been widely noted that Obama sometimes seems genuinely appalled when
presented at election meetings with the pride of local cuisine — often a
fat-smothered hunk of greasy pork or a sugary bun dripping in processed aerosol cream.

“Obama’s attitude of health and fitness is going to change.
American cuisine is wonderfully complex; We eat a lot of processed fatty
foods, ready meals, fatty meat laced with hormones and junk snacks.
That’s why we can’t have a President who does not eat what we eat. He
has to appeal to our all American ways and dump more processed cheese
over everything he eats,” Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly said on his
daily show.

While most candidates tend to tuck in fearlessly, thereby assuring themselves
positive coverage in the local paper, Obama once visited a lard factory
in Pennsylvania but turned down a piece of American Lard cake on the grounds that it was
“too decadent for me.” He lost the Pennsylvania primary and appears to have
learnt his lesson. Last week he was overheard asking for a bowl of “pork rinds” at a diner in
Missouri.

“Obama is now a
changed man. He swills beer at every juncture, burps like a pro and
can fart to the tune of the Star Spangled Banner. Hell, if that don’t
make him more popular, then I think America really has lost the plot. We
got the boy eating the best all-American food on the market and he
drinks nearly a gallon of soft drinks every day,”  Seth Poole, Obama’s
chief dietician remarked on the weekend.

On Friday
his advisers reported to concerned Democrats that Obama was doing well
in his transformation from sleek fit political athlete to sluggish
obese all-American junk food addict ready for a multiple bypass in a
few years.

Government statistics indicate that 94% of the overall voting
population is overweight and almost 91% is obese. Yet the 6ft 1in
senator is reckoned to weigh 10lb-20lb less than the 390lb recommended
weight for his height.

Polls have consistently shown that McCain is beating him among
significant groups of voters — notably working-class white males and older
suburban women, who complain he appears elitist or out of touch with average
Americans.

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