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The Massive Movie Graveyard Rides Again

PORTSMOUTH - England - Following the resounding success of my hateful film reviews, I subject another slew of motion pictures to my unique autopsy technique, ie. burial after enraged disembowelment.

All the President’s Men (1972)

A pair of Washington Post journalists solve a burglary at the Watergate Hotel, whilst the US system illegally annihilates Cambodia, Vietnam and Laos and murders domestic civil rights leaders in broad daylight. In the sequel, the local journos report on a cat stuck in the tree during the LA Riots.

Clockwork Orange (1971)

A sadistic rapist murderer volunteers to have the government try a new technique on him, which renders him harmless. Civil liberties campaigners eventually succeed in showing that this is the wrong thing to do because everything goes in cycles – just like clockwork oranges famously do and stuff.
Warning: Contains disturbing scenes of mindless political argument.

The Day of the Triffids (1962)

See “Signs”.

Dead Poets Society (1989)

Robin Williams educates a group of schoolchildren that life is transient and that no matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world. Consequently they fail their SATS quite badly and one of them commits suicide.
Based on the ‘50s B-movie horror, “Beware the Supply Teacher!”

Dirty Dancing (1987)

Patrick Swayze explores the boundaries of teacher-student relationships in this happy-go-lucky musical remake of Lolita.
Contains nudity. And idiocy.

Escape to Victory (1981)

Glorious high jinx as captured Allied soldiers challenge their Nazi guards to a football match, and their inspired play ignites a town in Vichy France to revolution. The sequel attempted to present highlights from a league system set in Belsen, Stalingrad and Auschwitz, which was to prove less successful at the box office.

For Your Eyes Only (1981)

A British Secret Service agent drops a man in a wheelchair down a chimney because he apparently “wanted to take over the world”. The rest of the film depicts the agent red faced in front of a Select Committee wondering where it all went wrong.
This James Bond film provided inspiration for the Hutton Enquiry.

The House of Flying Daggers (2004)

In a brothel, a Soldier meets a Blind Whore. The Soldier is secretly working for the government and Blind Whore is secretly working for terrorists. Blind Whore escapes from the government with the Soldier. The Soldier tries to have sex with Blind Whore but she gets him going and then leaves him hanging. The Blind Whore leads the Soldier to the terrorists and reveals she is actually not blind, just a Whore. The Soldier and the Boyfriend fight over the Whore and they all kill each other with knives and/or swords.
Japanese Romance.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)

Narcissistic lecturer ogles his students, skips his office hour, and takes more indefinite research leave.
Careers information film from the ‘80s.

Paranormal Activity (2009)

A man moves in with his loving girlfriend, who swiftly becomes under control of an evil demon that wants to destroy her soul, kill her boyfriend and arrange all his CDs in alphabetical order. In the terrifying sequel they get married, buy a house and have fucking children.

The Passion of the Christ (2004) 

In desperation after being taken prisoner, Mel Gibson escapes by dislocating his shoulder and seeks the help of a string of multiracial partners to bring down the Romans in this light-hearted but brutal buddy film.
Adaptation of the popular children’s novel.

Pearl Harbor (2001)

Following a Japanese attack on Hawaii, America militarises its economy and proactively establishes a global empire. Although the Japanese are prepared to surrender, the film ends with the US vaporising Hiroshima and Nagasaki to demonstrate its resolve to the Soviet Union, an ostensible ally.
NB. Review based on original script which underwent some minor adjustments before screening.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

A lone pirate falls in with a gang of creepy and skeletal Keira Knightleys who are afflicted by a curse that means they can’t eat properly.

Raging Bull

Inspirational success story of a man who begins his career boxing for money but winds up as MC at his own comedy club.

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Courageous lecturer on another bout of study leave nearly gets an ex-girlfriend killed in his quest to find a weapon for the US government. He could destroy the weapon but he decides to allow the Nazis to keep it. The Nazis accidentally get themselves killed when they use the weapon and the swashbuckling lecturer celebrates by groping his ex before trying to hump a Nazi in the sequel.

Silence of the Lambs (1990)

The FBI is having trouble finding a bog-eyed cross-dresser who has kidnapped dozens of people and who has built a massive well in his living room, so they send Jodi Foster to decode a series of misleading riddles from a Psychopathic Cannibal. Jodi eventually kills the serial killer by accident, whilst the Psychopathic Cannibal escapes by eating some of the FBI. The film concludes with the Psychopathic Cannibal joking with the Feds about eating an old woman whilst they celebrate a job well done. Thriller which spawned the classic comedy character, Hannibal Lecter.

Scum (1979)

In a remarkable travesty of justice numerous early twentysomethings are sent to what was supposed to be a childrens’ prison.
NB. This film prompted the Home Secretary to release any Borstal inmate who could show he had a suit, a mortgage and a subscription to the Readers Digest.

Signs (1998)

Ruthless, hyper-technological aliens again invade Earth, unaware that they melt to death on contact with sea water.

War of the Worlds (1954)

Ruthless, hyper-technological alien machines invade Earth, unaware that they are fatally allergic to germs.

War of the Worlds (2005)

Ruthless hyper-technological aliens invade Earth, forgetting that they are fatally allergic to germs.

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