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Max Clifford Announces Jade Goody Funeral Extravaganza

ESSEX - England - Preparations are under way for the biggest state funeral since the death of Princess Diana.

PR Guru and suppurating anus, Max Clifford has revealed for the first time the intricate details of the state funeral that will be conducted for Jade Goody.

“Even Margaret Thatcher will not get the same treatment that Jade is going to get. The nation will observe a full day’s mourning and there will be a public holiday announced. After the pay-per-view funeral (ker-ching), there will be a horse drawn carriage pulling the open top coffin along from Jade’s home in Upshire, Essex to the Big Brother house which will be her final resting place and Endemol sponsored shrine. She will thus be buried under the building, possibly in the diary room in a glass coffin so successive celebrity Big Brother housemates can see the legend themselves. Jade is a legend I tell you. My yellow Lamborghini Murciélago LP 640 will attest to her greatness and astounding earning power.”

The funeral procession is expected to attract over 13 million people following the beloved celebrity star.

Because of the funeral procession and the number of people said to be attending, Burberry stores all over the UK have already sold out of caps and scarves.

“But you have to admit, it’s been a great month. Kerry Katona bankrupt, Jade Goody cancer…..mind if I have a good think about my last one Mr Genie, I’d hate to waste it,” Ernie Tarbuck, a librarian from North London told ITV1 news.

According to Downing Street, the Jade Goody procession will commence after a 49 gun salute commemorating each corporate sponsor that will be involved in the parade.

Dignitaries from the government will be present including the prime minister himself. There is even talk of Royal attendance, however the Beckhams may not be able to get to the UK from Los Angeles in time.

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  1. I agree with you Andy, what a complete farce. She was not a bloody princess and these people seriously need to get a life.
    I heard they are shutting the roads for 3 hours around the church so people can mourn. Ohhhh please, give me a break. I’ve now got to make sure that I get out of my house before 11am so I can get out of Loughton. What a complete joke.. Also selling candles for £20 with her picture on.. Wouldn’t suprise me if they had an inside coffin cam.

  2. Doesn’t matter how many last minute televised ‘church’ redemption ceremonies you have everyone knows that ‘fame whores’ all go to hell.

  3. caz you must be having a laff mate. She went straight to hell and didn’t pass go. It must have been an express elevator.

    she’s burning in the devil’s fires as we speak..

  4. Jade, You are a true Saint. I know you are in Heaven now. Your suffering is over and you shall bathe in the clear waters of heaven. I prayed for you to be healed, but even better you got baptized days before your death. When your baptized every sin you ever committed is forgiven by the Lord, as we all only get one baptism, and thats when we are babies, free of original sin, but your baptism came days before you died, which means your whole life of sins and mistakes are wiped clean and you can get to Heaven. And you truely deserve your place up there because you did leave your peace with everyone, and said sorry to all those you hurt publically. What a great conversion you have had. May you rest peacefully with the

  5. F*ck..and to think the bitch is being buried up my road.

    Its going to be full of fucking chavs, dressed in black tracksuits tucked into their socks and hoop earrings dangling like a witches tit, asking everyone if they have a spare ciggie as the boyfriend parks the Ford Fiesta over a couple of gravestones.

    Im going out for the day, i can fucking stand it.

  6. OK Magazine has published Jade Goody’s last words before she’s even fucking dead..now that’s what I call exclusive reporting!

  7. I’m surprised there aren’t raffle tickets being sold so the lucky winners can watch her death! Every moment of the day a new piece of news trickles in about her demise.

    11.41 a.m. Jade turns over her pillow to the cold side
    11.53 a.m. Jades asks for a cup of cold water
    11.59 a.m. Jade falls asleep again
    1.46 p.m. Jade requests the television be turned on
    2.21 p.m. Jade falls asleep again
    3.11 p.m. Jade requests her daily schedule be publicized….

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