17.7 C
London
Sunday, February 25, 2024
secret satire society
HomeEntertainmentElton John to be Banned

Elton John to be Banned

PINNER - England - Drama Queen Sir Elton John will be banned from all media and public appearances as of tomorrow.

buy squib book

The gaudy Rocket Man and selfagrandising grumpy whiner who likes to wear grotesque clothing and show off his bad taste haircuts will thankfully be banned from public appearances as well as all worldwide media.

A spokesman for the worldwide media and public affairs syndication, said: “We have finally shut down the drama queen Elton and his gaudy bad taste appearances from polluting the world ever again.”


There will also be a ban on other useless ‘celebuturd’ whingers getting knighthoods and bans on the hacks flouncing around with their poncey over-inflated banal opinions and gaudy haircuts.“We are now working on shutting down similar banal no talent people.”

There are plans amongst some policy makers within the EU and UN to have Sir Elton detained on an island in the South Pacific with no means of ever escaping. Some are even formulating plans to have Sir Elton shot into space in a capsule so he can live up to his ‘Rocket Man’ status, this may however prove to be too costly a solution.

He
would be allowed to take his husband and his poodles but not allowed
anything else. He will also be stripped of his tax loopholes and his
knighthood.


“These people are a societal pollutant and are detrimental to true culture and art.

“Do not buy or
respond to anything from them and remember to avert your eyes if you
come across anything by accident. This broadcast is the last time we
will address this indecent issue.


“We’re urging people to boycott these hacks and ‘celebuturds’, please report any offending items to the authorities in your locality.”

Sir Elton replied: “I understand the gravity of my sin and know that my punishment for being a ‘poncey arseh*le’ should be severe.

“I Elton John am going to ban the world from the greatness that is me.

“I am the best! Look at my pink spectacles and lime green afro! It matches my buttplug. I’m a Sir, don’t you know! Ooh you look gorgeous in that chiffon.”

Multi-millionaire Elton, who turned 60 earlier this year, has
admitted in the past that he is a disgrace to humanity.

The useless whinger was once quoted as saying: “I am the biggest waste of space
of all time.

“I don’t have any sense of style, dignity or class.

“I am such a shameful waste when it comes to humanity that all I can do is have delusions of grandeur and have pathetic tantrums whilst my colon gets irrigated by my ‘furnished’ ass-istant.”

Sales of Elton’s last album The Captain & The Kid were
disappointing to say the least — it barely shifted 1000 copies.

The flamboyant singer who enjoys batty pursuits plans to paint his fleet of 30 Rolls Royce cars bright pink with yellow polka dots when he turns 61.

The 60th birthday concert for Sir Elton played to a 2000-strong crowd
at New York’s Bronx YMCA was hopefully the last time he ever performs his dire pap in public.

The Governments of the world also announced earlier this year that Elton’s entire back
catalogue of albums would be crushed then recycled as office supplies.

Good riddance to bad rubbish as they say . . .

  Daily Squib Book

  DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
- Advertisment -
curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press

NEWS ON THE HOUR

curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press

MORE NEWS

THE DAILY SQUIB ANTHOLOGY

The definitive book of Juvenalian satire and uncanny prophesies that somehow came true. This is an anthology encompassing 15 years of Squib satire on the internet compiled and compressed into one tiddly book. Buy the Book Now!

Translate »