UK Economy Hung Drawn and Quartered

LONDON - England - Traders are getting ready to pull the trigger on the Pound when the general election is held in May, leading analysts say.

“We’re waiting for either Gordon winning the election or a hung parliament. When that happens, say goodbye to the Sterling, it will scrape the floor. Shorters across the world will make billions off the collapse. When you go to buy your gobstopper at the sweet shop, be sure to take a suitcase of money because the worthless pound will make Zimbabwe’s economic problems look like child’s play,” the economics director for Deutsche Swiss Bank, Louis Amaro told Reuters.

High Treason

The markets have already shown some jitters in recent times, whenever either Alistair Darling or Gordon Brown opens their mouth, the pound sinks like a rock.

“Every time the prospect of another five years of Labour government, especially under Gordon Brown comes up, the market plummets. People around the world and in Britain who know what the real economic situation actually is like are pissing themselves because they have assets in the UK and stand to lose everything if Labour get in again,” Mr Amaro said.

The only other people, apart from short traders, who actually would like another Labour government are Britain’s enemies.

“We’re picking up a lot of chatter about Gordon Brown. The enemies of Britain would love for him to be elected for the first time to cause havoc for another five years. And looking at the recent polls, it seems these enemies of Britain may be in luck because the majority of Britons are rooting for another bruising. Maybe the UK is a country of masochists, it’s probably in their culture, because of the Middle Age dungeons and Feudal Lords and all that,” Mr Amaro told Reuters.