It was like a scene from Monteverdi’s Orfeo, Ed Balls stood up and started screeching with his new found castrati voice.
“Ed Balls has lost his bollocks and a prime seat in the Treasury choir it seems. He has been relegated and left behind by the Tenor in chief, Gorgonzola Brown, who we have heard, has a huge pair of balls. Ed Balls can reach the high notes with ease now that he has been castrated. Before the operation, we would get the other castrati, David Millipede, to squeeze Ed’s testes very hard from below so that he could reach those high notes, albeit with a strained inflection,” the choir master for Labour’s parish church, Dame Mandie, told a news conference on Friday.
Last night, Balls described his displeasure at being denied the castrati job in the Treasury: “I had even got my jock strap ready for the big occasion. Even though I don’t have any balls I like to wear one anyway. It was embroidered with the logo of the chancellor and I had gone to great lengths to practice my high pitched wailing. Now I understand that I have to stay and sing for the Schools choir. My poor empty ball sac aches at the very thought. Squeak!”
There is some good news for Balls though, he may soon find himself with all the time in the world to practice his glass shattering balless caterwauling to an unemployment office choir in some dank Northern town somewhere.