Turkish Robot Makes Kebabs and Hummus

ISTANBUL - Turkey - Scientists at the city's University of Technical Science have unveiled the first ever Turkish robot that may well revolutionise Turkish society forever.

“This robot is amazing. Any type of kebab you want, it will make for you in five minutes. It can also make a piping hot Turkish coffee after your meal and it plays a mean game of backgammon too. The only thing it won’t do is slap your woman if she says something you don’t like, but we’re getting around to that,” Professor Ismail Mustafa, chief scientist at the University’s cybernetics division told Turkey’s Hurriyet newspaper.

The robot also has speakers on each side of its body that can play Turkish music at over 300 db so that it distorts beyond recognition.

“The music has to be the most annoying ding ding music you ever heard with wailing weirdly upbeat Arabesque yet melancholy choruses and instruments that sound like they were recorded forty years ago,” Professor Mustafa added.

The Professor has also spoken of his wish that the robot will eventually be programmed to perform the traditional Turkish ritual of male circumcision (sünnet) but this will be a facility only on later models.

“We are still working on a few prototypes on the circumcision programming because the testing was not so good. It just chopped the whole thing off and that’s something we do not want.”

The robot is also adorned with garish crude Turkish graphics and can also be clothed in a cheap brown suit with flared trousers on summer days.

One thing this robot does not take is a joke though.

“Don’t try to joke with the robot or make fun of it. Just like most Turks, it has little or no sense of humour. Just take the chilli sauce and the doner kebab and shut the f*ck up. Oh, and I forgot to tell you, do not in any circumstance speak in front of the robot that you are a Galatasaray fan, Manchester United or Leeds, or any other European team. You might get a firework stuffed up your rear. The robot is only programmed for Fenerbahce,” another scientist on the project warned.

There is one drawback, if the robot is rolled out across Turkey, it could mean many people could be made redundant, however the Ministry of Commerce has given the green light for the novel robots to be manufactured by the year 2019.

The Turkish robots cost over 450 million Lire (£3,600) to make and were part funded by the Istanbul Federation of Kebab Shops and Turkey’s Ministry of Commerce.