Londoners Happily Preparing For Notting Hill Carnival

Londoners have been eagerly preparing for this year’s wonderful Notting Hill Carnival. Preparations have included much-loved culturally enriching stabbing rituals, machete slashing, guns and maybe a little rape practice here or there.

“They call me Slasher. I like to slash random people at the Notting Hill Carnival. Women, men, kids, pets, whatevah!” one happy reveller revealed.

London Mayor Sadiq Khan praised the wonderful cultural enrichment certain communities have brought to the Capital City since he was instated into power.

“I am proud to say that crime levels have increased by over 670% since I became mayor of London. The Notting Hill Carnival serves as an important cultural festival to celebrate a certain unnamed ethnic group. Urinating and defecating in the streets, public sex acts, gang rape and extreme levels of violence, public displays of drug use as well as that wonderful Grime music pumped out at high decibel levels whilst tourists receive multiple stab wounds and have their belongings stolen. We are turning London into a Third World shithole. Now that I am a Knight of the Realm, I really don’t give a flying monkey’s ass!”

This year’s carnival stands to surpass previous years in levels of cultural enrichment for Londoners.