Trump to Release Epstein Files on Mars or Jupiter

Donald Trump will release the divisive Epstein files either somewhere on Mars or Jupiter, the White House has announced on Tuesday.

“We’re currently debating which planet to release the files on. Hell, we might just shoot the lot out into space, and it will just keep going and going.”

Trump is currently consulting with NASA to build a rocket large enough to host the Epstein files, which includes lists of important, high ranking individuals who enjoyed themselves on Epstein’s pedo island.

“If you all want to see the files, you’re gonna need to spend billions of dollars on space flight, rockets and stuff, and maybe train to be an astronaut,” Trump said.

Trying to appease his MAGA fan base, Trump is claiming that he is keeping to his word to release the Epstein files.

“We’re releasing the files. What more do you want? The shredded files will be taken into space and released on a planet somewhere. I’m keeping my word to you all, If you want to see them, get a frickin’ rocket ship!” Trump emphatically stated from the Oval room.

Staunch MAGA meathead Dan Bongino has threatened to resign from his grace and favour job given to him by Trump when he won the election.

“Thank you, President Trump for keeping your word. I gots me my sellotape, some cardboard, and glue. I’m making a spaceship right now to go to Jupiter to see those files for myself.”