Comrade Starmer Celebrates New Poll Score of Minus 56

Comrade Starmer today celebrated a new YouGov survey giving his Big State Labour Party a net satisfaction score of minus 56, with just 13% having a positive view and 69% negative.

“Comrades, I am so happy that in the People’s Republic of Soviet Britain I am such a popular leader and that the Labour Party has achieved so much already.

“In the new poll, 13% of proletariat scum approved of my party’s supreme leadership. All I can say is that those 13% of people will each get a box of double used toilet paper. Yes, toilet paper that has been used on both sides. Lucky you eh?

“Additionally, I just decided that the entire statistical research team including the tea lady at YouGov will be executed by firing squad on Thursday.

“I urge all proles to attend the event at Red Trafalgar Square at 2pm promptly to watch the YouGov staff being executed. Be sure to bring the entire family to make a day out of it.

“In other news, comrades, I will be putting forward more popular Labour policies so that my party’s approval rating falls to at least minus eighty percent and commissar Reeves creates another £50 billion budget black hole on top of the one she’s already created. You’ll be the ones who pay for it as well. Yay!

“Thank you for forcibly being made to listen to this wireless broadcast, now kindly fuck off before I have you all shot as well.”

INGSOC NOTICE – IMMINENT EXECUTION OF YOUGOV STAFF

ON THURSDAY AT 2PM THE STAFF FROM POLL AGENCY YOUGOV WILL BE EXECUTED BY FIRING SQUAD IN RED TRAFALGAR SQUARE. PROLES AND HIGH PARTY MEMBERS ARE URGED TO ATTEND. MAKE A DAY OUT OF IT, BRING THE KIDS, THERE WILL BE PLENTY OF ED MILIBAND’S NET ZERO JUICE – A TASTY NUTRITIOUS REFRESHMENT MADE FROM LIQUIDATED TRAITORS OF THE BIG STATE. REMEMBER COMRADES, LOOK, LISTEN AND REPORT!