Panic in France as Citizens Sent ‘Survival Manual’ in Case of Russian Invasion

The French government is preparing to send a new survival manual to households across the country, offering guidance on how to respond to imminent invasion by Russia. The 20-page booklet outlines steps to take in case of armed invasion by Putin’s hordes of Orcs.

The document, which reportedly includes 3 measures, will provide instructions on how to surrender immediately, even if you are a soldier, and how to stockpile French cheese and wine, because “the Russians are useless at making fromages et vins”.

The French government has insisted the manual is not a direct response to the war in Ukraine, despite President Emmanuel Macron’s previous warnings about the growing “Russian threat” and the possibility of the United States reducing its military presence in Europe.

“President Macron has already received full assurance from President Putin that the Russians would not use nukes on France or Paris when they walk in to the country, but they can use as many nukes as they want for the Rosbifs,” French official, Jean Marie Capitulation, told Le Monde newspaper on Wednesday.

Among the recommendations, the manual suggests that people prepare an emergency survival kit of fromage, garlic and wine as well as a very large white flag.

“When Hitler and the Germans walked into France, our Vichy government surrendered and Adolf thankfully spared Paris. The boulevards and Haussmann buildings, and the palaces were all saved. We will naturally do the same thing when Putin walks into France. Mon Dieu, imagine doing anything else? This is why the Americans call us cheese eating surrender monkeys.”

The brave Foreign Legion can only do so much.