Comrade Keir Stalin: “No! Labour is Not Gaslighting the British People!”

“Comrades, you are not aware of what we are doing to you, and that is a good thing. We want you to stay in that very state of unawareness. No! We are not gaslighting the British people, honestly I can attest to that fact, you must be crazy to think that we would ever lie or gaslight you. You’re making things up. Please go back to watching another episode of Strictly or The Voice.

“It’s obvious that we look on the proles and taxpayers with the highest level of contempt, but Labour will continue to praise you during our speeches as we deny fleecing you for every fucking penny from your pockets whilst we blame everyone else for the problems Britain faces and not the great Labour Party, who are faultless in everything.

“Don’t forget, if you ask us a question, we will change the subject or ask a question back, thus making you doubt yourself and your initial question. You are overreacting, please calm down, there is nothing wrong apart from your own hysteria.

“Labour emphatically denies reversing Brexit. You are deluded and clearly bonkers to think that the much-hated Brexit deal will be reversed in any way and your democratic vote to leave the EU in 2016 reversed completely when we reverse Brexit by denying we are reversing Brexit during the push for ever closer union and reset with the EU. Gaslighting? You must be dreaming, have a cream soda and chill the fuck out.

“Comrades, the portrait of former Tory scum PM, Margaret Thatcher, has mysteriously disappeared from Number 10 Downing Street. I emphatically deny knowing any knowledge of how this has happened and if you ask why or how this happened I will deny any knowledge of such things and tell you, you must have been mistaken and dreamed it all up.

“Everything, and we mean absolutely everything, is the fault of other people, right-wingers and Tories. Remember that if you can you stupid fucking proles.

“You know how much Labour loves you, we would never completely impoverish you and make your filthy lives a living hell.  We’re doing this because we care and love you. Come on, get with the picture. Now take that man away to the Gulag!”

The Daily Squib publication only has the highest praise for Stasi Britain and its Stasi Thoughtcrime Police. Hail the Labour Party and its Supreme Comrade Starmer.