Good Recession News – You Will be Eating the Bark From Trees

Comrades, commissars, Labour Party hierarchy, Bolsheviks, apparatchiks, Big State civil servants, train drivers, Marxist union bosses, NHS managers, and the rest of the scum proletariat. Commissar Rach From Accounts in the People’s Republic of Soviet Britain has some doubleplus good recession news for Proles. It involves eating the bark from trees.

URGENT COMMUNIQUÉ FROM COMMISSAR REEVES

Comrades, I have urgent good news for all the wonderful soviet citizens of soviet Britain. Due to my immense work doing the people’s accounts, we are now in permanent recession, and the economy is shrinking at rapid rates never witnessed before.

Thanks to my accounting, capitalist millionaire swine, capitalist swine businesses, employment and all aspiration are all fleeing like slippery fat rats.

Additionally, because of the Soviet Labour Party’s purge against the vile landed gentry Kulak farmer classes, there is now no food in Soviet Britain.

It’s all good news, comrades, I have dreamt up a lovely plan for all you scum who voted Labour. Yes, you cannot say I, Commissar Reeves, do not look out for you. I have provided Big State guidance on how to strip the bark from trees, and to boil the bark to eat. If you boil the bark for long enough, it will eventually be edible. Also, the leather from your shoes can be boiled for sustenance and vitamins for your health.

Last week, I outlined how your pet cat or dog could provide vital nourishment for a family of four for at least two weeks. Now that there are no cats and dogs left, and all the trees will soon be gone, I will soon provide details on how dead relatives can provide essential food for your pantry for up to one month of nutrition. These guidelines will be released next week.

INGSOC NOTICE 123100-439472-3999383011283839291119283838292920-A

JOE BELDRANGLE OF 32 GRIMFUK STREET IN WITCHESTER HAS BEEN AWARDED THREE STRIPS OF FRESHLY BOILED BARK RATIONS AND AN ENTIRE FRESH ARM FROM A MORGUE. HE REPORTED HIS WHOLE FAMILY AND TOWN FOR DISPARAGING, NASTY COMMENTS ABOUT MY ABILITY AS SOVIET CHANCELLOR OF THE PEOPLE’S SOVIET BANK TO RUN THE ECONOMY. ALL THE CRIMINALS WERE TAKEN TO THE LOCAL SLAUGHTER HOUSE AND PROCESSED FOR VITAL RATIONS FOR HIGH PARTY OFFICIALS. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE TO THE BIG STATE. NOW ENJOY EATING THE BARK FROM TREES, THE REST OF YOU FUCKING PROLE SCUM.