Our Predictions For the Qatar World Cup 2022

Sometimes we need some panem et circenses. The World Cup is a fantastic time to watch some great and wonderful football, that is, as long as the woke preachers shut up for one second.

The England team have never had it so easy, and have some seriously mediocre competition in Group B. Iran, USA and Wales should be a total walkover. If England can’t win this group, it may as well be a trip off to the glue factory for the team and (giving the knee) Gareth Southgate.

One thing you learn about football — anything can happen, shit happens out of the blue, and you can be one of the best statistical analysts and get taken for a fool by some last minute anomaly occurring.

The DailySquib.co.uk brings you group-by-group analysis of the tournament, with predictions for how every table will pan out.

Group A

Squib Prediction:

1) Netherlands
2) Senegal
3) Ecuador
4) Qatar

The comical Qatar team played against Ecuador on Sunday and lost 2-0. Watching the Qatar team prance around inanely showing off their lack of skill was indeed entertaining, and it was a surprise Ecuador did not score more goals.

Ecuador, have not conceded a goal in 5 matches prior to the Qatar tournament and will be a good match for Senegal. Qatar unfortunately should not even be in the World Cup because their level of playing is worse than park level football.

Sadio Mane, the Senagalese star has been on the ropes recently with some injuries but with a little help from a witchdoctor he could pull out some goals for Senegal.

The winner of Group A will most certainly be the Netherlands, especially with Memphis Depay who has scored 12 goals in 10 games. If Depay’s fitness level keeps up, he will prove an important player to the team.

Group B

Squib Prediction:

1) England
2) Wales
3) USA
4) Iran

Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth for the England team, and if the boys can’t sort this group out, it’s off to the knacker’s yard for them along with a constant stream of the ‘three lions’ song. Fifty years of hurt, the song about losing, is more of a curse than a call to victory. If Baddiel and Skinner stopped playing that fucking song to death, England might one day win a bleedin’ World Cup. Stop eking out this maudlin song for the royalties, when you don’t need the money. And it’s a great start for England with a 6-1 win against Iran today.

Group C

Squib Prediction:

1) Argentina
2) Poland
3) Mexico
4) Saudi Arabia

Lionel Messi! Lionel Messi! Lionel Messi! Argentina, will win this group, it’s a no-brainer.

Group D

Squib Prediction:

1) France
2) Denmark
3) Australia
4) Tunisia

Never underestimate the French, and in this group they have a fairly easy go at it. The Aussies could be either third or fourth in the group, depending on either a few fluke goals for the Australians. Definitely better at cricket than football, the Aussies will still be entertaining to watch.

Group E

Prediction:

1) Spain
2) Germany
3) Japan
4) Costa Rica

Certainly not an easy group to predict. If all goes well, Gavi and Pedri should push Spain to the top of the group, although the technically minded German team could also pull one out of the bag with Jamal Musiala. German relics from the past, Thomas Muller and Manuel Neuer will toddle along, obviously they’re the mascots of the team. Takefusa Kubo for Japan, the Real Sociedad player, may give the youthful Costa Rican team a surprise or three.

Group F

Squib Prediction:

1) Croatia
2) Belgium
3) Canada
4) Morocco

Croatia are a force to be beaten as Luka Modric  leads and his boys set out to neutralise the opposition. Although the favourite to win this group with Romelu Lukaku and Kevin De Bruyne is Belgium, Croatia we think will pull through at the last moment. There’s no ice hockey rink here, so the Canadians will not fare well.

Group G

Squib Prediction:

1) Brazil
2) Switzerland
3) Serbia
4) Cameroon

“Br-a-a-z-i-y-u!” Neymar may soon equalise Pele’s top scorer record for the Brazilian team, and his football virtuosity will certainly shine through for the team to take the top of this group. The Swiss team headed by Tete are a tough squad to beat and could even cause some upsets with Brazil depending on the football gods. As for the Serbian team, Filip Kostic, Alekandar Mitrovic and Dusan Tadic will prove to be dangerous foes for any opposing team.

Group H

Squib Prediction:

1) Portugal
2) Uruguay
3) Ghana
4) South Korea

Don’t knock the aged Cristian Ronaldo, he can still pull out a few curve shots with his box of tricks. Uruguay and Luis Suárez will be second in the group with deadly intent, although with some mammoth goals they could easily steal the show. As always, Ghana and South Korea are the consolation prize of inequity for the group.