Earth’s Core Files for Divorce, Cites ‘Irreconcilable Spinning Differences’

In a stunning move that’s shaken the planet to its very mantle, Earth’s core has formally filed for divorce from the crust, citing “irreconcilable spinning differences” and “billions of years of neglect.”

The molten inner sphere released a fiery statement through its lawyer (a particularly aggressive volcano), saying it “can no longer maintain a stable relationship with a partner that refuses to stop drifting and cracking under pressure.”

“It’s always me doing the heavy lifting,” the core complained. “Who keeps the magnetic field running? Who holds the whole planet together while the crust flirts with comets and continental drift? I’m literally burning up down here.”

The crust, meanwhile, fired back through a passive-aggressive press release: “The core’s temper has been explosive for eons. Maybe if it cooled down once in a while, we wouldn’t be here.”

Tectonic shift in attitude

Seismologists report that since the earth’s core filing, tectonic plates have been noticeably tense, with tremors of anxiety rippling through the lithosphere. One insider described the breakup as “messier than the Permian extinction.”

NASA officials are monitoring the divorce situation closely. “If they actually split, it’s bad news,” said one astrophysicist. “Half the solar system’s gossip network will implode. Plus, we’ll all die.”

Despite mediation attempts by the Moon who described itself as “just trying to keep things balanced” the outlook appears pretty bleak. Insiders say custody of the magnetic poles remains a sticking point.

When asked for comment, the atmosphere sighed, “I saw this coming ages ago. You could feel the tension every time they rotated.”

Meanwhile, the Sun (not the Murdoch one) has reportedly offered “warm emotional support,” though sources confirm it “still can’t resist making things hotter.”

The final hearing is scheduled for 4.5 billion years from now, depending on rotational speed and lawyer availability.