Steve Jobs to Persuade God to Switch to Apple From Using Windows 98

“We’re going to miss Steve down here, but we figured he needs to persuade God and his angels that the Windows system is not where it’s at. Right now Steve’s floating on an iCloud and telling God that OS X is so much more functional than a clunky outdated Microscratch product. Even though Steve was a Buddhist, God still made sure that he wanted the mac man, hell, he could’ve been Muslim and he still would’ve been accepted. We know that the Devil still uses Microsoft, but that’s because he has no scruples. The devil only knows what the devil knows and he never moves on. Apple is cool, silver, white and it has power,” an Apple spokesperson told Wired magazine.

It is with great sadness that the physical world has lost one its greatest pioneers, but our loss is heaven’s gain.

“Once God starts using macs, I think we will see his productivity increase tenfold. Much better processing power at the pearly gates, and we won’t get bad people slipping through trying to fool Saint Peter. We had the Michael Jackson guy trying to slip through the gates recently, luckily Saint Peter saw right through him and sent him down where he belongs. Close call though, for the sake of the children up here. Oh and another thing, there’s no Flash up here either, only lightning, but no Flash. That’s by order of Steve himself,” an angel on cloud 12 told the Afterlife Times.