Gary Oldman to do Hollywood Tours

Ah, Gary Oldman, an actor’s actor, no doubt he has to do the odd mainstream twaddle to shore up his bank account, but he is a staunch favourite in the Squib office.

Well, Gary’s doing tours of Hollywood for VIPs these days mainly due to some Playboy interview, which inexcusably told the truth.

“I received a call Monday, or was it Tuesday, someone from the Daily Squid or something, they said I had won a Squib award, but since I made that painful apology it was sort of put on the back burner. They called me an arse for making an apology and grovelling. I told them to stick their award where the sun don’t shine, i.e. firmly up their jacksies. Funny thing is, don’t know how they got my number, ah never mind, but I told my agent Moshe Liebovitz, that if I get any more calls from the Squib, give the phone to me again and I will shout down that phone with all my rage,” Oldman told Hollywood Week magazine.

The actor went on to describe a typical tour: “I have this pent up anger, aaaaargh! This is why I use a megaphone in the bus, I put the megaphone directly onto someone’s ear and tell them what they are looking at. I want to see their ears bleed. Over there is Levi Saultzman’s house, he is a famous producer, then over there is the guy who produced some of my films, Aaron Fleischer, and this fucking house belongs to studio director, Eli Krantzenberger, and there is Steven Spielberg’s mansion, and in this street is the guy who runs the whole show, a very mysterious character, who I cannot name because he is Jewish, and look over there that studio is run by Golan Zucker, but lest we forget the owner of the last studio on the tour, yes it’s Elon Maskovi, he made one of the most memorable films last year, er, what was it again?”

And in appreciation of Mr Oldman’s wonderful style..