Trump: “I may be a surrender monkey but I don’t like cheese!”

On the eve of a momentous surrender by America and capitulation to Iran, President Donald J. Trump emphatically denied one thing about his losing ways. He just does not like cheese of any kind, so he can now officially be designated as a non-cheese-eating surrender monkey.

“Folks, I may be a Grade-A surrender monkey waving a stained yellowish-white flag, but there’s one thing I don’t do, and that’s eat cheese. Yuck. Like, it tastes horrible. Like, have you tried that gorgonzola stuff? Believe me, I ain’t like the French on that cheese shit, even though technically gorgonzola is Italian, but hey, they surrendered big time in World War II too, just like the goddamn Frenchies.”

Trump has now admitted he surrendered to the Iranians and will now have to live with that shame for the rest of his sorry life.

“Sure, it will go down in history. I surrendered like a surrender monkey. They’ll write it in the books; ya know, Trump was this, he was that, plus he surrendered at the drop of a hat to a bunch of crazed mullahs. They add losers in history books too, and I ain’t bothered too much. It’s like that Beck song from the 90s; I think it was called ‘Loser’ or something like that. Good song. Wonder what happened to Beck, huh? Maybe the Scientologists put him in a room with just a bucket and some hay. Who knows, huh? Sprechen sie Deutsch, baby?”