The Last Normal Kid in Hollywood

All Hollywood celebrity kids are now trans, so what does a kid do in that environment when you’re just you…normal?

Max, 14, son of an A-list superhero actor and a mindfulness-brand entrepreneur, is rapidly becoming the most ostracised boy in Beverly Hills for the crime of being “boringly human.”

“Honestly, he’s a freak, he hasn’t transitioned yet, and doesn’t even wear dresses,” says a classmate called Dianarhea (they/them/themself), who recently transitioned from actor to performance-based energy. “Max just walks around with pronouns that don’t even sparkle. It’s disgusting.”

Not even gluten-fluid or time-neutral

Max wears a plain t-shirt to school which does not have a political slogan on it, much to the gasps of astonishment from the other celebrity kids.

He doesn’t live-stream his lunch on TikTok or talk about dismantling systemic brunch-inequality, or even have his own fucking publicist, such is the outrage.

When Max takes out a sandwich and chomps down on it with gusto, a few celebrity kids faint in utter shock and disbelief.

“He actually eats food! That is so disgustingly eww analogue! You’re supposed to identify as the food, not eat it. This week I identify as a non-binary fruit salad. He doesn’t even self-brand or have his own Netflix show, publicist or Goop account!” another alarmed celebrity student at the school commented.

The utter dismay and outrage reaches a crescendo when Max pours himself a glass of cow’s milk and takes a gulp. Everyone in the cafeteria drops their soy and oat milk as they squeal in utter disgust at the display.

One celebrity kid who has transitioned three times this month points at Max and asks him what branding he is going for, suggesting that he can monetise his apparent normalcy, maybe join a Hollywood freak show where normal humans are paraded around like monsters at funfairs.

Looks like it’s just another day at school in Hollywood, a place where not being trans is an affront to the new celebrity fad that seems to have become an all encompassing movement. Call it what you will; social contagion, social engineering, or whatever, it’s a real fucking thing.

Meanwhile, after lunch, Max goes to the Binary Cis toilet, which is located far away from all the other various toilets. He stands in front of the urinal and goes for a piss. Max really is the last normal kid in Hollywood.