Worried About Safety? Colombian Drug Cartel Preparing For Harry and Meghan Visit

Apparently, Colombia is safer than the UK, which at the moment is strangely believable. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex will travel to the South American country this summer at the invitation of its primary drug lord Miguel Suarez III Esq. for the Medellín Colombian drug cartel. The Sussexes recently undertook a royal tour to the equally safe country of Nigeria.

During their visit, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will tour the many cooking facilities and coca growing fields that the Colombian drug cartel owns. They will also view the many types of distribution centres and methods the drug cartel uses to move their product around the globe. The cartel even owns a submarine fleet used to smuggle cocaine and fentanyl into Miami.

Royal commentator, Barney Pupples, was briefed on the Sussex itinerary for the royal tour.

“Prince Harry is quite excited about the trip, as we all know he is very partial to the white stuff, or as they call it – yayo. The lavish villas where the Sussexes will be accommodated are all heavily guarded by cartel goons, and they even have Gatling guns mounted on pickup trucks and helicopter gunships, so don’t worry, Harry and Meghan will be safe as long as there is no cartel war or government crackdown.”

US cautions against travel to Colombia

Colombia is described by the US government as a “Level 3” or “orange” risk, with advice stating: “Reconsider travel due to crime and terrorism. Exercise increased caution due to civil unrest and kidnapping.”

In the country summary published by the Bureau of Consular Affairs, it says: “Violent crime, such as homicide, assault, and armed robbery, is widespread. Organised criminal activities, such as extortion, robbery, and kidnapping, are common in some areas.”

The UK government advice for the country suggests only essential travel to some regions of the country and to consider extreme caution.

The drug lord and head of the Colombian drug cartel that the Sussexes will be visiting gave his assurance that the British royal couple will be treated well and everything was safe.

“Don’t worry, we gonna keep the fuckin’ royal family safe. If any of those fuckin’ cockroaches or putas from the government come near them, we will blow them all to kingdom fuckin’ come.  If I even sniff any bullshit from Gaspar Gomez and the Diaz Brothers, those motherfucking cockroach sons of bitches will be squashed. No problemo, we got this one in the bag. I’m invincible. Plata o plomo you choose motherfucking cockroach pieces of mierde. Hey, we even gotta zoo here, Meghan and Harry will fucking love it. We got tigers, giraffes, monkeys and crocodiles!”