Merry Christmas From the Daily Squib Lapland Theme Park

You will be enchanted this Christmas with a visit to see the wonderful Northern Lights (some flashing lights strapped to a tree) or perhaps enjoy the company of Santa’s elves (young offenders from the local job centre wacked out on pills and cheap Aldi wine).

Visitors are encouraged to close their eyes as much as possible whilst at the Lapland theme park; it also helps if you are totally blind.

The entrance to Santa’s grotto is always caked in fresh vomit and half eaten doner kebabs and is found after a fifteen minute walk through a muddy field.

Why not get into a vicious fistfight with one of the burly security men who demand you pay an extra ten pounds to enter a tent claiming to be a bustling Christmas market but in fact houses a dodgy old man selling bricks for twenty quid each from a suitcase.

Every young visitor has the opportunity to see Santa and receive a little present from him — usually a pack of ten Benson or a mini vodka bottle.

Our authentic Alaskan Huskies (Rottweilers) are a dream and can be seen roaming their tiny kennels looking for an opportunity to rip someones f*cking arm off.

The Nativity scene is of course our best feature and you will be enchanted by a piece of painted plywood at the end of another large muddy field.

The entrance fee is only £65 per person. We guarantee that everyone in your family will have an excellent time at our Lapland theme park or your money back (you will never see your money ever again).