COMRADE BURN’EM – SEVERE ALERT – BEWARE OF BURNT TOAST IN TOASTERS

<SENT TO ALL PHONES IN THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF SOVIET BRITAIN> THIS IS AN EMERGENCY BURNT TOAST ALERT FROM COMRADE BURN’EM! <SHRILL NUCLEAR WAR ALARM SOUND>

SEVERE ALERT – DEFCON 1

THERE IS A VERY HIGH RISK THAT TOAST MAY BE BURNT IF LEFT IN A TOASTER FOR TOO LONG NATIONALLY. RESIDENTS, LANDOWNERS AND VISITORS SHOULD NOT UNDERTAKE ANY TOASTING ACTIVITIES THAT COULD RESULT IN BURNT TOAST. EVEN A SMALL AMOUNT OF BURNT TOAST CAN RESULT IN A SMOKY, BURNT TOAST KITCHEN NIGHTMARE AND EVEN SET OFF YOUR SMOKE ALARM IF YOU HAVE ONE. USUALLY A RATHER UNPLEASANT SMELL OF BURNT TOAST IS LEFT LINGERING AFTERWARDS. BURNING TOAST IS ALSO NOT GOOD FOR THE TOASTER OR THE ENVIRONMENT BECAUSE IT CREATES CARBON. REMEMBER TO ADJUST THE SETTINGS ON YOUR TOASTER SO THAT THERE IS NO BURNT TOAST.

FOLLOW OFFICIAL UPDATES AND REPORT SIGNS OF TOAST BURNING IMMEDIATELY BY CALLING YOUR LOCAL STASI OFFICER. SEARCH PRSB STASI TOAST REPORT FOR MORE INFORMATION

NEXT WEEK THE ANDY BURN’EM LABOUR BIG STATE GOVERNMENT WILL SEND OUT A SEVERE ALERT ABOUT THE DANGERS OF TOENAIL CLIPPINGS.