HMS Ed Miliband the First Net Zero Battleship Sets Sail For Cyprus

Keir Starmer’s Labour Party was in a celebratory mood today as the first Net Zero battleship set sail from Portsmouth to go to Cyprus. HMS Ed Miliband is estimated to get to Cyprus from the United Kingdom in eight months’ time, depending on the wind conditions.

The Net Zero battleship was constructed from sustainable hemp and ethically viable renewable, recycled, and low-impact resources to reduce its carbon footprint in construction and design and cost the UK taxpayer £193 billion.

The deck was constructed with ethically sourced bamboo, mass timber, sheep’s wool, rammed earth, and straw bales for structural integrity. Innovative materials like mycelium (mushroom leather), Ferrock, and recycled plastic bricks provide durable, eco-friendly alternatives to traditional, high-emission products in constructing the vessel.

“I’ve got a tear in my eye; what a beautiful sight. Look at her go! She should be out of port by next month,” a jubilant Keir Starmer said from the shoreline.

The Net Zero battleship is powered by wind power and some solar energy and can travel as fast as a tree branch.

State-of-the-art weaponry will be able to give the Iranians a run for their money. Decked out with a troupe of Just Stop Oil activists and one bow and arrow, the battleship will be a formidable foe in combat.

In eight months’ time when the ship finally arrives to protect the British base in Cyprus, the government will send a carrier pigeon to the ship for its attack orders on any Iranian threats.

Starmer today denied that Britain is now a laughing stock.

“I am very proud of the Net Zero battleship. We are adhering to sustainable eco warfare Net Zero rules and EU laws. This is a great moment in our history.”