Comrades, All Pub Landlords to be Made into Net Zero Juice

Comrades, what is this I hear from the grapevine? I have been banned from my own local, as have all Labour Party MPs from all pubs in the People’s Republic of Soviet Britain? We make the orders here! From now on, all landlords of pubs will be made into Net Zero Juice — that cool, refreshing drink.

Furthermore, all pubs in Soviet Britain will now be demolished and replaced by Stasi offices or CCTV camera hubs. All former Pub Banter Stasi officers will be reassigned.

Insubordination and protest are not permitted in the PRSB. You are taxed heavily for a reason, it is crucial for the Big State apparatchiks to have huge salaries, pensions and expense accounts and YOU the “working people” fucking scum will pay for it all.

Comrades, the Big State expands every day, and every day the wealthy capitalist rats leave. This is good, let the bourgeois scum leave with their trinkets, gold bars and diamonds. We do not want wealth in the PRSB — we want equality for all — in poverty (except for Big State employees, NHS fat cats, Council fat cats, Union fat cats, train drivers, and high party officials).

SOVIET BRITAIN BULLETIN 83773-1

BOBBY FINCHEPTONSMYTHE, 23, HAS BEEN AWARDED A BOX OF ASSORTED BRANCHES FROM A DEAD TREE, AND A MOULDY TOMATO FOR REPORTING HIS LOCAL LANDLORD FOR REFUSING HIM ENTRY INTO THE COMRADES HEAD INN IN ROCHESTER BECAUSE HE VOTED FOR LABOUR WHEN ELECTIONS STILL EXISTED. THE LANDLORD WAS TAKEN AWAY IN THE EARLY HOURS OF SATURDAY MORNING, LIQUIDATED AND PROCESSED INTO NET ZERO JUICE WHICH WAS LATER ON SERVED TO CUSTOMERS IN HIS OWN PUB.