CITIZENS’ ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE MINISTRY OF PUBLIC HEALTH

Comrades! In the spirit of collective health, social soviet progress, and glorious national renewal, the Supreme Committee for Nutrition and Physical Excellence — under the wise and tireless leadership of the People’s Republic of Soviet Britain — announces the next vital step in the grand anti-food campaign: Directive 471-C – The People’s Nutritional Transparency Initiative

Effective in the coming season of national renewal within Labour’s 5-year-plan, all public food distribution outlets—be they collective eateries, quick-nourishment commissaries, or worker refreshment houses—of significant proletarian size will be required to faithfully report the average caloric intake of patrons to the Central Statistical Command.

Boiled bark and turnip consumption monitored

Establishments that sell the staple food for the working people of the PRSB, consumption of boiled bark and rotten turnips, will be monitored by food inspectors and any soviet citizens caught eating more of their share will be arrested and liquidated to benefit the Net Zero initiative.

This is not a burden, but a sacred duty in the war against gluttony, sloth, and vile imperialist decadence! The health of the People is not a private matter, but a national concern, and this is why our Stasi food spies will be watching your every move.

The noble Labour leadership, protector of worker vitality, calls upon large-scale nourishment providers to reform their menus in accordance with national targets. The caloric excesses of the past—fattened on capitalist indulgence and salted with greed, shall be replaced with scientifically-optimised, equitable nourishment for all. Your boiled bark broth and rotten turnip morsels are more than enough to function as working people for the triumphant PRSB.

All glorious soviet food-serving establishments above a certain scale — to be determined by the Central Food and Planning Bureau — must submit comprehensive calorimetric disclosures. Targets will be established to reduce consumption of tree bark and rotten vegetables.

Obstructionism, whining, and bourgeois lamentations from so-called “hospitality magnates” will not be tolerated.

Resistance to the will of the people shall be noted by the Bureau of Economic Vigilance.

Those who complain of “bureaucracy” and “increased costs” reveal themselves as enemies of progress, placing private gain above public wellness, and will be liquidated into Commissar “Mad” Ed Miliband’s delicious and nutritious Net Zero Juice.

Let the words of the People’s Nutrition Secretary ring clear: “We are not meddling in your kitchens — we are liberating them from capitalist poison!”

Sugar rations of 0.0045 grams per month will now be reduced to 0.0001 grams for the safety of the working people of soviet Britain, anyone who complains will be dealt with in the appropriate manner.

N.B. – NONE OF THE MEASURES MENTIONED ABOVE APPLY TO LABOUR HIGH PARTY COMMISSARS, TRAIN DRIVERS, NHS BOSSES, BIG STATE CIVIL SERVANTS, APPARATCHIKS, COUNCIL BOSSES, BBC BOSSES, UNION BOSSES WHO ALL DINE ON AS MUCH CHAMPAGNE, CAVIAR AND FILET MIGNON STEAK AS THEY CAN STUFF DOWN THEIR THROATS.

INGSOC NOTICE 95438231-FY68-009-Y665-T1T5-44-09956645-332-565567

RUPERT MONKFROTHER, 6, OF BLM ROAD, CHORLEY, SECTOR 32, HAS BEEN AWARDED A QUARTER OF A ROTTEN TURNIP, ALONG WITH 0.003 GRAMS INCREASE IN SUGAR RATIONS PER ANNUM. LAST SUNDAY HE REPORTED HIS 2 BROTHERS, 6 SISTERS, MOTHER, FATHER, GRANDFATHER, GRANDMOTHER AND LOCAL MILKMAN FOR EATING AN EXTRA PORTION OF BOILED TREE BARK BROTH. THEY WERE ALL LIQUIDATED AT GRIMSBY NET ZERO PROCESSING CENTRE, 45Z ON MONDAY MORNING. REMEMBER COMRADES, LOOK, LISTEN, REPORT!