Comrade Starmer Announces Increase of 5 Grams of Chocolate Rations

The joyless puritanical reign of Comrade Starmer and his Stasi Labour regime is almost upon us. Let us pray at the altar of puritan hardship in Britain, where heavy bureaucracy and red tape will rule over every facet of your useless meaningless fucking life. The Labour Nanny State and its daily diktats will make your lives truly unliveable, so much so that when Labour introduces voluntary euthanasia, the queues will snake around the block. Enjoy your 5 gram increase in chocolate rations.

Order 41842-D-43 Increase of Chocolate Rations by 5 Grams

As a taster of what is to come, on Monday, Comrade Starmer pledged a 5 gram increase in chocolate rations for every citizen.

“Comrades, workers, commissars, kulaks, Bolshevik guardians of the state. As your incoming supreme soviet comrade in arms, I pledge that under the Labour government we will introduce a 5 gram increase in chocolate rations for each citizen.

“As supreme comrade of the joyless woke humourless puritan Labour communist soviet state, I want to introduce the life you will live under our totalitarian regime of misery of equality in poverty for all.

Regulations

“We will bring in insane regulations and rules that will rule over every facet of your useless fucking lives. Thank you for voting for Labour, you pathetic moronic cunts. We will now take over the reins of complete control over your lives with the Labour Nanny State.

“I will now outline a few of the diktats the joyless woke puritan Labour agenda will espouse and that you as a Labour voter can look forward to. Diktat order: 497732-A4 will criminalise the usage of any vehicle that is fuelled by petrol. Diktat order:734409-344H will criminalise anyone holding an opinion and voicing an opinion they have individually determined. Diktat order:839900-L6743 All humour, joy and jokes will be criminalised. Diktat order:1752290-A6 All private property ownership will be collectively distributed to the state. Diktat order:0371194-9J6 No singing in the shower or bath will be permitted.

“As you can see, you will have a lot to look forward to under the puritan joyless, miserable rule of my soviet Labour government. After the first ten years of Labour rule, you will look upon the incompetent years of the past Tory scum government with some form of nostalgia. Don’t worry, Diktat order:7834472-XU will make it a criminal act to think back to the past in a nostalgic fashion.

“I recall my father and his toolbox in the garden shed. He made every tool himself out of match sticks and was a very self-sufficient man who dedicated his life to tool making (audience member laughs). Who just laughed? Take him away. You over there, you will be sent to a Labour re-education Gulag in Salford. There will be no chocolate rations for you.” (a man is brutally manhandled, injected with a sedative from a large needle, and escorted out of the BBC studio by the scruff of his neck)