Boris Johnson is Good at Campaigning and Making Babies But Not Much Else

It’s near the end of term, and the Headmaster of parliament, some nameless chap that no one has ever seen, is giving Boris Johnson his report.

“Jolly old bouncing Boris Johnson and his mane of bright hair is synonymous to the campaign trail, but when it comes to governance, this is where the fellow seems to fall short. Boris is good at looking at the big macro picture of things, but when it comes to the micro details, this is his other failing. That’s fine, for many leaders have the same qualities, however when it comes to governing the British Isles, it pays to have the ability to ascertain the tiny details of things.

“Who even knows how many sprogs Boris has sired, and it is doubtful if he even knows himself? Boris likes pussy, and a pat on the back to Bo Jo for his trouser departmental qualities. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with what he does in his spare time, however things can get a little hairy when the tabloids egged on by the lefties start their nosing around stuff and all that.

“One thing I have noticed about Boris Johnson — he’s lazy. Indeed, Boris just can’t be arsed with all the faffing around most of the time. He’s a go-getter, a steam roller, and he just can’t be bothered with all the rigmarole, bureaucracy, and pedantic nitpicking over MPs’ second jobs that is substitutable to government. The PMs duties are tiresome to say the least, and Maggie Thatcher only had two or three hours sleep per night during her tenure. This is probably why she went ga ga towards the end. Bo Jo on the other hand likes his me time, and is frankly tired of all the bullshit that appears out of nowhere all the bloody time. He likes to take it easy, keep the shenanigans at arms length, and not bother about the whole caboodle too much. Let the oiks deal with it. Even if people are dropping dead in the streets from some ghastly virus, slow ambling Boris will watch it all happening and only descend into action when the crescendo of voices shouting in abject horror reaches unmanageable levels.

“Classically trained Boris knows his amo, amas amats, and the Classics, but many think this does not serve well in these heady times. This is where they’re wrong, because human nature 2,500 years ago was much the same as it is today. As long as you have greed, fear, and all the other human emotions, what people felt thousands of years ago, and how they reacted to these emotions is exactly the same as they do now. In fact, people are even more predictable these days because we have the data on everyone, books of the stuff, each person has files and files of their info which they have given up gladly in the age of no privacy.

“Wallpaper, indeed, shouldn’t a British Prime Minister have the wallpaper his wife has chosen for the PM’s flat? Anything the America presidents want in their rooms is signed and delivered by the taxpayer, so why not the Brits? For example, if Obama wanted LGBT rainbow walls for the Oval Office, there would be no hoo ha. If the British PM wants some furnishings in his apartment, all hell breaks loose. Something must be done about this at once. We must treat prime ministers with respect and give them what they want, seeing as they are giving so much of their time to run the country. All this incessant hen pecking over some inconsequential thing like wallpaper is frankly ridiculous and a serious waste of time.

“As for Brexit? Boris has sort of lost the plot a little bit (a lot), and put Brexit on the back burner, he seems to have mislaid his bravado and mojo over the whole situation. It probably seems so last year, and Boris is one of those people who likes to move on from things pretty sharpish. He seems positively bored of all the fighting, and the French tantrums. Brexit was a hard fought battle, however it is tedious now and Boris seems to be swimming up river even though superwoman Liz Truss is bringing in the multi-billion pound deals every week. Boris may have to watch out for Truss in the future, or who’s the other one, oh yes Sunak, but never underestimate the Gove, who could spring into action at any time, someone who would not bat an eyelid at selling off his kids for medical research to get ahead. Instead of capitalising on Brexit, lowering taxes, decreasing inflation, decreasing the cost of living, increasing opportunities for business growth by lowering the shitty EU VAT or erasing VAT, Boris is mired in EU red tape and punishments.

“One suspects if there was a sudden leadership contest, Boris Johnson would sigh in relief and let it all happen without any trouble from him. You see Boris is tired, he’s got a young kid and another one on the way, he has all sorts of other kids and ex-wives/girlfriends/American businesswomen to deal with, plus all that lot is expensive and tiresome, to say the least.”

Grade C-