Ed Miliband Calls For Marxist Bolshevik Revolution

Speaking from his £1.6 million dacha in Golders Green Comrade Miliband revealed his 5-year Soviet plan: “Comrades, Red Unions and Red champagne socialists, commanders and political instructors, men and women workers, men and women collective farmers, intellectuals, brothers and sisters in the enemy rear who have temporarily fallen under the yoke of the Conservative brigands, our glorious men and women guerrillas who are disrupting the rear of the vile capitalist invaders! I beseech you to follow me into Marxist rule once again.

“I pledge an extra 25 grams of chocolate rations per year for all our strong bolshevik fighters, our brave long-term unemployed state welfare voters, and of course how could I forget, I vow to find and track down any foreseeable threat to my rule, and hang them from the lamp posts across Soviet Britain, that includes my treacherous brother David who I will dispose of personally.

“Let the victorious banner of the great Brown fly over your heads!  Utter destruction to the Conservative invaders!  Death to the Conservative armies of occupation!  Long live our glorious motherland, her freedom and her independence!  Under the banner of Brown-onward to victory!”