Mobile Phone Text Language Credited For Incredible A-Level Pass Rates

“A lot of these kids can’t read or write standard basic English, so we were forced to integrate mobile phone text lingo, or SMS shorthand, into the curriculum, which is the only way these people can communicate now. Some of the students are only conversant utilising pictures and diagrams and cannot even use SMS texts,” Deacon Aylesbury, head of Oxford Cambridge and RSA Examinations board was recorded as saying in last week’s edition of the Education Times.

Thousands of Britain’s youth now have the coveted A* grade and are all applying to top universities.

“I can’t read or write, in fact I’ve never actually read a book. I just turned up to the English literature exam with my stolen mobile phone, innit,” Kevin Chesney, 18, who got three A** grades for his A-levels, told the Daily Mail.

Graders for the A-level exams say they also allow candidates to draw pictures to try and describe events that occurred in history or to describe literary classics like Shakespeare and Chaucer.

“We regularly get candidates who can only communicate with stick figure drawings and scribbled smudges. It is quite challenging to find out what these people are trying to communicate, but it certainly can be done. We’re getting some really gifted candidates being marked and we have only had one chap who failed this year because he was too busy looting a supermarket to attend the A-level examination,” Laurence Demister, an adjudicator and A-level marker told the BBC.