Cameron Wants Happy Britain

“You may look over there and see a grey council estate with cctv cameras everywhere, chavs and hoodies hanging around vandalising everything and beating people up, but if you put these special government issue rose-tinted glasses on, all of that is gone. It’s a bloody miracle. I’m so happy now. I’ve got a job, I can pay my bills and am even able to heat my home in the winter,” Roz Blanchard, 47, an unemployed woman from Lambeth told the BBC.

The new government initiative from Whitehall will issue every person in Britain with the special rose-tinted glasses as well as a pack of happy pills so that people will be happy and not realise they are being shafted by insane levels of tax, no jobs, hugely expensive food, petrol and overcrowded cities laden with millions of illegal immigrants, Eastern European gangsters, chavs and hoodies.

“I’m much happier now. I take my Soma and I put my rose-tinted glasses on and relax. I don’t see what I used to see. Life is much easier now because I don’t know or care about what’s happening around me. In fact, I want to know who you are and what you’re doing interviewing me?” Cecil Dinklewaithe, 65, from North Yorkshire said whilst being interviewed on Sky news.

Some Whitehall officials even suggested frontal lobotomies for the majority of the population but the idea was eventually dumped after concerns it would be a huge burden on the already strained NHS.

Speaking from Whitehall, a faceless civil servant said: “If the general population were all given lobotomies, people would be a lot happier because they wouldn’t actually know who they were, or anything else. I think that would be a marvellous idea, however, due to cost restraints we have had to dump the idea.”