Unemployed NOTW Fake Sheikh Signs On For Jobseekers Allowance

He was once the scourge of Swedish England football managers and spendthrift ex-Duchesses everywhere, but now the man responsible for thousands of soiled celebrity underpants is living a life of poverty in a two bed council flat in Tower Hamlets.

New Deal

“I was the fake sheikh. They used to wheel me around in a silver Roller. I only stayed at top hotels in Park Lane. Now look at me. I’m a man destroyed all because that arsehole Murdoch wanted to save the ginge minge witch Rebekah Wade. Well, I get my benefit payments on a Tuesday, by Wednesday my kids have used it all up. We’re thinking of going back to Saudi Arabia, at least there we can have a good shake at getting back up to speed. Might even get hired again as a fake sheikh for a tabloid there. I can’t do anything else you see, fake sheikh-ing is my business.”

The ex-Duchess of York who was caught in a sting trying to extort £500,000 from the fake sheikh last year was glad of his demise: “I’ve been avoiding sheikhs ever since that sting where I was filmed doing the dirty. Now it’s going to be back to business as usual. My bank balance just heaved a huge sigh of relief. Access to Andrew is now open folks, so for a cool half mill, you too could get to have a chat with him and he can arrange some special business dealings with you. I’ve just gone on another massive spending spree at the mere thought of it.”

Business As Usual

As the Murdochs now plan to extend the Sun to a seven day week, the 168-year-old News of the World will be a distant memory and the BSkyB deal should be back in play.

You never know, the fake shiekh might even find his way to the Sun. Looks like nothing will change, just the name of the paper.

“We’ll be using the same offices, the same people, the same corrupt cops, and the same underhand tactics as before. It’s just that this time we’ll be extra careful in not getting caught,” Rebekah Brooks told her reporters at a News International committee meeting and memo yesterday.