"The End of the News of the World is Nigh"

“Oh no, it wasn’t me, I don’t know anything about what’s going on,” News International’s boss, Rebekah Wade/Brooks told the paper in an internal memo yesterday.

The funny thing is, chief honcho, Rupert Murdoch, also does not know anything either.

“Coming from a cold-blooded reptile like Rupert, you know that he ‘allegedly’ knows everything and has the last say of everything. This is how he does business. He has to know every minute detail of every f*cking thing that goes on. His deputy, Rebekah, has to know everything as well. Does anyone in their right mind believe that these scumbags did not question where the secret information was coming from? They are extremely angry that they have been caught this time,” a News International employee revealed yesterday evening after having his phone hacked and broadcast all over the media.

There are secret plans to shut down the paper completely this coming Sunday, Murdoch hopes this will deflect any criticism directed towards the hierarchy at News International and secure the hugely lucrative BSkyB deal.

Prime minister, David Cameron was equally indignant about his employer: “I am truly disgusted at what has happened with regards to the phone tapping of abducted and murdered teenage girls, war veterans families and 7/7 victims families by the News of the World. This is a despicable and heinous crime, but hey, Rupert got me into power in the first place, so I’m going to have to gloss over this one I’m afraid. Forget that first bit for a start. No one knows anything. BSkyB anyone?”

There are rumours that clean-up man, Max Clifford, has also been ordered onto the scene.

“If there’s a dirty job to clean up, they always use Max. No one can get lower than that scum bag leech. A man with absolutely no morals whatsoever who would parade a cancer stricken terminally ill low IQ celebrity through a media circus just so that he could get a fat cheque at the end of it,” Giles Manning, a PR executive from London firm, X-Seven, told Campaign magazine.