Send in Your Donations the End of the World is Nigh

“We’re thankful for your donations to our bank accounts for Jesus. Now that the Rapture is coming today, y’all can rest assured that my Lamborghini Countach will be running on plenty of gas,” 89-year-old founder of the Rapture movement, Harold Camping told his followers.

The Rapture movement believe that Jesus is coming to earth today and that the fictional fairy tale character will bring on the Rapture. Unfortunately, Jesus could be delayed, and many of his disciples might be gravely disappointed.

“The Rapture will only happen in America because that’s where all the crazies reside. We only get the alien abductions here as well, so please send in your donations so we can get richer off your gullible asses,” a laughing pastor for Christian radio network Family Stations Inc told CBS news.

The Christian Radio Network is worth over $350 million and has raised $20 million in recent days anticipating the ‘Rapture’ to the devout Christian followers who plan on doing the same time next year as well.

Speaking from Tacoma, Washington, Earl Humbold, another pastor who is preaching about the second coming of Jesus, said: “We need everyone to donate all the money you have in your accounts to us so that Jesus can free you from your pain. Once you give us all your money, he will accept you into heaven. Amen.”

Mr Humbold who has a fleet of luxury cars and lives in a sprawling mansion, was last year indicted for the use of thousands of prostitutes and laundering large amounts of money to offshore accounts in the Bahamas where he also owns dozens of properties.

Jesus is set to arrive in Portland, Oregan at 6 pm PST.