Midsomer Murders New Cast Pleases Equalities Minister

BRADFORD - England - Midsomer Murders executive producer Brian True-May, who caused a race row with his comments about the ITV1 show's all-white cast, is to capitulate to equalities ministers today by agreeing to let ethnic minorities into the program.

Easington High Street in County Durham on a normal weekday

“I want to keep my job so I have agreed to make the series look more realistic to Britain’s real population. We’re bringing in some rickshaws from Karachi and there’ll even be a mosque in one of the episodes,” True-May said as he was having his shoes shined by a little black boy on set.

Equalities Minister for the Coalition government, Deirdre Cunnie, demanded that ITV1 change the format for the all-white show.

“Walk down any high street in England, and you’ll see what the previous Labour government created. A wonderful cess-pool of immigrants from poor Third World and former Soviet Bloc countries who wear odd clothes, cannot speak a word of English and who refuse to integrate. The Coalition wants to uphold Labour’s mantle. We don’t want programs on telly with English people in them speaking f*cking English! It makes me so angry to see programs like Midsomer Murders with Anglo-Saxons seen walking around the countryside thinking they are from England and living in England. That’s why, I, as equalities minister have ordered Midsomer Murders to murder all the whities and stick in some ethnics,” Ms Cunnie said at a parliamentary hearing last week.

The new cast of Midsomer Murders wait for the filming to commence

According to national statistics, the Labour government let in 23 million immigrants from some of the world’s poorest countries between 1997 and 2010, and the Equalities Ministry wants TV programs to reflect this mass influx on the indigenous British population.

BBC newscaster, Prindeep Maganallawa, said: “Well, one only has to look at all the BBC newscasters during the Labour era. We had a good innings that’s for sure, everyone was either from Punjab, Rajasthan or Uttar Pradesh. I’ve seen a few English newscasters of late but they’re taking our bloody work from us. You would’ve thought that this was their f*cking country.”