University Freshers’ Ball Gets Off to Spanking Start

When it comes to Freshers’ Balls, this year, the gonads were swinging with gusto. Forget about black ties and dresses, how about cammo and balaclavas? How about a smattering of agent provocateur inserted into the middle class majority to spike things up a notch? How about some nice headlines on TV which you can send back to mummy and daddy in their nice semi in Putney? It was like the Bullingdon Club came home to roost.

“Fuck lectures! This has been the best Freshers’ Ball I’ve ever been too. Look over there, those aren’t marshmallows roasting on the fire but copper’s bollocks,” Alan Trent-Jones, 21, from Oxford University told the BBC.

Indeed, this year’s Freshers Ball enjoyed a pretty sizeable turnout with just over 50,000 students turning up to have some much needed fun.

“Finally the UK got some fucking balls. We turned up the barometer a bit just like our Gallic cousins do on a regular basis. For too long the Brits have been bent over a table and fucked up the arse by the two-faced, hypocritical governing classes. This time, we thought we’d show ’em what we’re thinking,” another student from Leicester Uni. said.

Naturally, the police had a great time too.

“This was a great opportunity for us to show that we need more funding and not cuts. That’s why we just had a few personnel there, who either ran away when the party kicked off, or just stood by. Of course, they were under orders to let the students and agent provocateurs have their fun,” one of the policemen overseeing the operation told the Mirror.