Another Sad Day For England: Spain Send English Tourists Home

In the Daily Squib office, we were keeping schtum about England’s magnificent and lucky entry into the Euro 2024 finals. We honestly thought by not writing about Gareth Southgate’s England team we would not somehow jinx the players, but unfortunately our ploy did not work, and the fucking team lost anyway.

How about this for a double Spanish blow. The Spanish are sending English tourists packing from their holiday spots, and from football tournaments as well. The seemingly never ending saga of England’s football misery has hit yet another epic low. Fifty-eight long, excruciating years and counting. Gareth Southgate, the team’s valiant manager, had dreams of glory, dreams of winning “so much that it hurts.” Well, congrats, Gareth — hurt is all we’ve got, and it’s coming in fuckin’ spades.

As Spain flamencoed their way to the European Championship title, Southgate’s hopes of lifting a trophy crumbled faster than another promise from Gary Lineker to stop posting his awful woke social media posts. Southgate probably knows this is his swan song as England’s manager. That piece of silverware has eluded England since 1966, and for a fleeting moment, it seemed within reach. Marc Guehi’s header in the 90th minute was cleared off the line, leaving England inches—just inches—from forcing extra-time. But alas, those inches might as well have been miles.

Cheated at the last moment

Spain’s winning goal? Onside by millimetres. Because why not add a little salt to the wound? Mikel Oyarzabal’s goal sealed England’s sorrowful fate tonight. It’s the classic tale in England’s sad saga. At the final whistle, Southgate stood there, a picture of desolation, while his players collapsed like a poorly assembled IKEA bookshelf.

England, our brave underdogs, had clawed their way back in the last-16, the quarter-final, the semi-final, but the final? A step too far, my friends. They’ve now lost two Euros finals back-to-back, which is an achievement in its own right, one supposes. The late goals, the substitutions, the grit, the resilience—it all added up to diddly crapping squat once again.

Spain, the undisputed champions of the Euros, knocked out the hosts Germany, sent the favourites France packing, and then casually dispatched England. They’ve won their last four major tournament finals. Meanwhile, England is still clutching at straws, begging for just one. Just one. Just this once. And so, the pain goes on. And on. Football ain’t coming home again for another ____ years.

See you at the World Cup in two years.