Old Scratch Already Had Enough of Ozzy and Wants Him Gone

“We’ve been waiting for Ozzy for some time, seeing as he did sign that contract. I get them all here, it’s like a Casablanca Records music biz board meeting from the 1970s sometimes.

“Anyway, as soon as he bloody turns up, first thing he does is urinate over my throne. Jeez, I thought Lemmy was a handful, but this guy’s on a whole different level. Then he takes out a straw from his pocket and starts snorting a load of ants up his fucking nose off the floor. Yes, we do have ants down here, if you were wondering.

“We’re generally used to chaos, but Ozzy is like a brummie tornado on crack. He even tried to bite the head off my favourite gargoyle, Frank. That’s when I had to put my hoof down.

“Oi! Ozzy, this is my domain. Now look over there, we’ve got a nice selection of groupies by the jacuzzi, and there’s also an endless queue of guitarists you will have to audition until the end of time. Unlimited supply of drugs to the left, and any kind of booze you want to the right. Sorry about the jukebox in this area, it seems to be stuck on Take That, but I have summoned up an engineer to look at the problem. Constant re-runs of WW2 docs are that way. Now get out of my sight, and stop drooling all over the fucking place. Go on, have some fun, don’t worry, Sharon’s not here …yet.”